Identifying behaviours that ruin relationships

Building a good home takes intentionality and effort. Of course you will encounter headwinds that can cause deviation from the intended path towards harmony and intimacy.

Such prevailing circumstances can be hard to bear. However, it takes faith, skill, determination and endurance to rebuild a conducive environment essential for growth and fruitfulness in the relationship.

While many have turned their difficult and tough moments around to become growth opportunities, others have fallen on the wayside. I have discovered that when left to fate, a polluted environment can and will damage any seeds planted in the relationship and destroy a couple’s future productivity.

Polluted environment

Markers of a polluted environment include promiscuous mind-set, lack of accountability, shifting blame, abusive spirit, selfish and individualistic attitude.

We win battles better when we know what we are fighting against. Knowing that we are social beings and that we were meant for each other makes our connection key to a sustainable relationship. Otherwise, relationships die when we allow the pollutants or contaminants I have talked about above to infest the relationship.

For example, if you are driven by a selfish and individualistic attitude when you communicate, then, what you say can mean life or death to your partner and the relationship by extension.

Guard your words

Marriage life has proved that those who speak with care create a conducive environment for their love life. The idea here is to guard your heart and words because words create the path of your relationship. If your words are careless, then your partner cannot trust you. This means that the path you start to create for those you relate with could lead to ruin. Spice your words with moments of appreciation, affirmation and trust.

Your demeanour and walk is as important as your words. Like a farmer who plants good seeds, your words seed your behaviour and actions. When they are not chosen with care, we create confusion because your talk does not match your actions. This is responsible for feelings of insecurity within the relationship. When feelings of insecurity settle in, then productivity of the relationship takes a nosedive and intimacy dies.

Interpret your heart

Your partner should be able to interpret your heart from the kind of words that are spoken and actions that dominate the relationship. The true state of your heart is normally influenced by your thought patterns. These then dictate behaviour and the feelings you have about your partner.

Also, valuing your partner is not only in the gifts and tokens of love on special days. Value is also seen in the way we speak to each other and defend them in moments of difficulty or challenge.

You cannot say that you value your partner while at the same time fail to show empathy with your words and actions. When we are inconsistent, we create gaps that communicate betrayal. This is what may be referred to as hypocrisy.

Responsibility

What we value, we treasure and make investments in. Beyond money, let us invest in faithfulness and ability to take personal and collective responsibility concerning the failures that arise in the relationship.

The hardest thing is to take responsibility of failures that are not attributed to you. However, one way of creating harmony if being willing to take each other’s burden toward the road of joint responsibility in creating a healing environment.

Finally, backstabbing and passing the blame finds a home in a relationship where such negative feelings are not arrested quickly. Instead, they will lead to a desire for revenge and toxic competition.

It is said that, those who are dominated by a nature of negativity limit the potential of the relationship. Such a nature will control your mind and contamination not only your spouse but your entire family including your children.

Let me draw you to a quick story; many of us know about Joseph in the Bible who was sold by his brothers to strangers who took him to Egypt as a slave. Instead of taking revenge, he saw their evil action as an ordained path that placed him in a strategic position to be a blessing to all.

I have discovered that some pains we go through in the relationship are necessary for our maturing and the maturing of the relationship.

Sometimes, a little annoyance could be helpful in helping you learn conflict management or managing your emotions. This is the type of maturing that helps you know that you are not a saint nor are you Mr perfect.

Environment of negativity

Navigating and managing a relationship during an environment of negativity requires care and endurance. We need to learn how to handle each other’s faults, failures, weaknesses, and expectations we have in the relationship. We need to flavour and season our relationship the same way spices are added to meals to enhance the taste. After all, this is how a couple creates and enhances its culture; a positive culture and not one where one partner is held captive of past pain and injustices.

Confession of past mistakes is one way of overcoming hurt and pain from recurring. This must be followed by the need to forgive, let go and rebuild. When this is done well, the feeling of safety is reborn in the relationship. Feelings of relief from past pain and bitterness opens new doors of fellowship and engagement in the relationship. The danger is when we let pride take root in the heart.

Expectations

The last thing to avoid is expectations. This can be hard, so, if you are going to have them, then do not expect them to turn out the way you envision. Expectations put a lot of pressure on both sides of a relationship. Sometimes you just have to trust that things will turn out okay, and if they do not then it is not meant to be.

Intimidation

Most people probably know that if someone is constantly verbally or physically abusive towards them it is a warning sign. However, there are more subtle forms of intimidation that can be harder to spot.

A common way this plays out is expecting our love to share a habit or desire. An example would be one person in the relationship starting a daily yoga practice and pressuring the other to do the same. Sometime there is no direct threat, but the implied threat of how the person may react if the other does not comply and start what we have asked then too.

Conforming to someone else’s expectations to avoid confrontation is unhealthy, whereas confronting the situation and naming their attempt to force you into something you do not feel comfortable with is the healthier option. This can initially lead to disagreements and arguments, but in the long run you will not (consciously or unconsciously) harbor any resentment.