His drunken calls scare me

What you need to know:

‘Do not disturb me, my wife is nearby,’ he has told some people on the other side of the line

My husband is the kind who has refused to quit alcohol yet it is not his kind of thing. I know he does so because he is with his peers. The problem is, he will forget most of what happened during his drinkups.  He has often, upon returning home, called some people to say he is home. ‘Do not disturb me, my wife is nearby,’ he has told some people on the other side of the line. He often denies (that he made any calls or made any such statements) and his phone is usually clean of outgoing calls or messages almost immediately. Does he love me that much that he remembers me even in his drunken state or should I worry?


Dear Juliet

Alcohol is a mood-altering drug and so regular drinking interferes with chemicals in the brain, which is important to our mental health.

While one might feel relaxed after drinking, regular use might lead to dependency or misuse.

Long-term heavy drinking can also cause permanent changes to the brain, such as problems with understanding, remembering, and thinking logically

Many people drink alcohol as a way of socialising with friends, others use it to forget their emotional pain and many other reasons.

However, people react differently both physically or psychologically after alcohol intake. Some people take alcohol and stay in control of their behaviour especially if the aim is not to medicate their bodies or using it to forget their problems.

Unfortunately, some may start with a bottle or half a glass out of wanting to belong to a certain group of people, and end up being addicted.

Well, you mentioned that alcohol is not your husband’s kind of thing meaning that as his significant other, you are able to recognise that he tends to drink beyond what his body can take in.

As mentioned above, alcohol alters the mood and therefore can result in an individual being out of touch with reality for a certain period, and during this time one might say and do things they will regret their entire life or even ruin their relationship and family.

Therefore, we cannot rightly conclude that your husband’s actions while under the influence mean he loves you or not.

You can test your husband’s love rightly only when he is sober by the way he relates with you.

It is also true that he might be half sober and half high and so he knows what is appropriate before his wife and what is not.

Remember worrying is not good at all since it will not solve anything but instead make you feel worse.

Take advantage of the moments that your husband is sober and let him know that his behaviour is affecting you as an individual. Family discussion is important since alcohol can disrupt life in a family and affect even those not directly taking it.

Find out why he is using to the extent of losing himself for a moment.

Is it new behaviour? Could it be just peer pressure or there are other underlying causes?

This is helpful such that you get to understand how to support him especially if he has not yet become dependent on alcohol.

This also helps him to reflect on his image and the family. Desist from lecturing him about how bad alcohol is but instead listen to him and ask him how you can be of help. It is important to know that he is the one with the problem and you are there to support him to recollect himself.

Maybe talking as a family can enable him to reduce intake after realizing the effects.

In case he acknowledges that he needs help to stop, you can refer him for professional counseling and it would be best to attend as a family. It is important to attend to this before one becomes dependent on alcohol.


Seeking help.

The vast majority of outcomes from alcoholism are negative, and damaged relationships are a common byproduct of alcoholism. Anyone who is struggling with an alcohol abuse disorder should seek professional help to gain the proper coping skills and tools to overcome this addiction. Most addiction therapists will strongly recommend relationship counseling besides support groups for their significant other as alcohol affects every single aspect of the relationship. It is essential for the significant other to hold their loved one accountable and support them during their recovery without trying to step in and play the role of a therapist. Partners and families are part of the journey, whether or not they chose it, and deserve help in getting back to normalcy.

Reader advice

He is cheating - Sarah Lwanyaga

He is intentionally saying those words so that you can think he really cares about you while cheating comfortably.

He actually loves you - Byaruhanga Issa

Only two people are honest on this world; 1. Someone who is drunk and two,  a child.

The words of a drunk man are the disturbing thoughts of a sober man.

If he says “my wife is nearby...... Do not disturb me” when he is drunk, trust me that man loves you and he actually values your relationship.

Only that you have to see a plan of making him stop alcohol.

As long as he comes back home - Dianah Nambobi

As long as he comes back home, do not even check his phone, because you will get heart attack.  Welcome him back with open arms and even serve him supper.

Alcohol brings out the truth - Mudde Rogers Welle

What else do you want? Alcohol brings out the truth, always.

Why is he taking alcohol? - Stanely Mubiru

Alcohol dependence, alcohol use disorder, is one of the most common addiction individuals struggle with. Not only can alcoholism wreak havoc on someone’s personal life, but also it dramatically affects every single relationship they are a part of. Find out why he is all of the sudden taking that much alcohol.

Seek professional help? - Elizabeth Cherop

If your husband is struggling with alcohol abuse, it may be time to seek professional help.

Evelyn is a Counseling Psychologist with Sermotherapy Counseling Foundation