My girlfriend does not cook, clean

What you need to know:

  • In case the conversation backfires and she is unable to change, it is either something you are going to have to live with or you might need to reevaluate your relationship.

My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. My work shifts keep changing whereby I work daytime for one week and night time the following week. Here is the problem, my girlfriend, who does not work is so lazy that she spends all her time sleeping.

However tired I am, I come home to cook and clean. Because my job is taxing, sometimes I will just go to sleep on an empty stomach because I am also too tired to cook.  When I ask her to help out once in a while, she says I am not a supportive partner. I love her but I feel like I have had enough. What can I do to make her change? Timor

Dear Timor,

Cooking and cleaning are some of the essential chores of any adult. If she is not willing to do it, she must have a reason for that. It could be that she does not know how to cook or clean. She may have suddenly found herself in this adult life with you, meaning everything is new. Cooking requires precision and patience, along with practice. Cleaning, on the other hand, may not necessarily be the precision of cooking, but it can rightly be categorised as a tedious job, especially after you come home from work.

Start by communicating with her and finding out why she does nothing. Basic home management behaviours are best learnt during the formative years of childhood. A child should know that cleaning is a given and be introduced to age-appropriate housework, including cooking. It could be true that these essential habits were not instilled in her,    the reason she could be struggling.

Once you have found out the cause, work with her to fix it. Set goals and give rewards. For example; keep the sink clean for a week and we will have a nice dinner date. Of course, this might sound like you  are dealing with a child, but even people who work have a goal and a reward system in some way.  Let her feel appreciated when she keeps the house tidy as this will motivate her to keep it up.

Tell her that since you work hard to provide for the family and pay the bills, she should also do her bit. It is not fair for you to work all the time and her to do nothing.

What happens if you choose to tie the knot and have children? How will she be prepared to take care of the them? These are questions you need to ask yourself and contemplate about.

Relationships are hard. Sometimes you have to have conversations that no one wants to have but it is better to do it. She might be upset when you point these things out, but explain that you love her and you want to make the relationship work.

Just because you are having this conversation does not mean you love her any less.

Do not expect an immediate change. You might have to have the same conversation more than once. But if she makes efforts to change, that is a good sign. Learning good habits takes a bit of time, especially in adulthood.

In case the conversation backfires and she is unable to change, it is either something you are going to have to live with or you might need to reevaluate your relationship.

'80% disagreements'

According to a new survey from Yelp, 80 percent of people living with a partner have disagreements about housework, with one fifth of that number saying they disagree often.

The survey, which consulted 2,000 American adults who live with a partner, and was split evenly between men and women, found that the most common disagreements revolved around when to do the housework (53 percent), how to do it (50 percent) and who should do it (48 percent).

Evelyn Kharono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation

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Talk to her

Joan Bira. As much as you love her, there is no denying that you want her to look and feel her best, not just physically but emotionally as well. You know better than anyone else that a happy wife means a happy life, and there is no denying that you should be doing everything it takes to be happy in your relationship. Talk to her and let her know how you feel.

A wake-up call is needed

Jane Mukisa. You may have broached this sensitive topic with your lazy girlfriend to no avail, or you may not have sufficient courage to tell her that her lifestyle is becoming unhealthy. Either way, your relationship is not going to last if you do not do anything about it soon. You need to change, not just her attitude, but yours as well. Remember that you are her best friend, partner in crime, and confidante. If you are not going to give her a wake-up call and help her get on her feet, no one else is.

Communication is key

David Mwaura. Communication is the key to every successful and healthy relationship. Instead of trying to guess why your girlfriend is being lazy and unmotivated, just sit down and talk to her. Ask her how she feels and if something has happened to her that you are unaware of. If she is having self-doubt, reassure her.

Give her time

Daniel Mwangi. Your girlfriend is not going to change overnight, but if she loves you, she will change. Meanwhile, you have to be there for her and give her as much support as she needs. If her laziness is caused by a mental illness, you yelling at her and condemning her will only worsen her condition.

Focus on the good

Moses Earthe. So what do you love about her? They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. How did she find her way to your heart? I think you should look at the things you love about her as you also talk to her candidly about what is hurting you and how you would like it to change.

She is not trying

Hajarah Namuddu.  Sometimes love is not enough. Someone who does not care about your wellbeing and mental health is not good for you. Being lazy can be tolerated but not trying to reach out and help is something else.

She is not your wife

Filder Claret Adyero. Those are not the responsibilities of a girlfriend. Make her your wife officially then you can complain if she does not do those things.

Leave her

Charlotte A Cherlyl. She is taking advantage of that love and trust and does not feel the same way about you. If she is refusing to support you, then what are you doing with her? A good relationship cannot be one sided. Make up your mind to leave before it is too late. You will find your compatible partner.

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