My husband is a serial cheat

I have on several occasions caught my husband reading text messages from other women. Because I became suspicious, I went through his phone and realised he had gone as far as being intimate with several of these women. When I confronted him, he confessed and asked for my forgiveness. He changed for a while but he recently started dating another woman. I have not confronted him about it because I do not know how to proceed. Am I allowing him to get away with disrespecting me? Please advise.

Becky

Dear Becky,

Cheating in a relationship brings up a lot of pain including loss of trust in the cheating partner. Learning how to deal with a serial cheater can help you regain control of your life and help you decide how you want to proceed.

The adverse emotional and mental effects of being cheated on can stay with you for a lifetime if not well handled. Being cheated on stirs up insecurities, low self-esteem, distrust, and inability to open up, give you feelings of worthlessness, and can even make you question your qualities and physical appearance.

Remember that the reason cheaters decide to take the unfaithful way and indulge in affairs may have very little, if nothing, to do with you. Cheating in relationships is a selfish act in which a person is thinking solely of themselves.

However, many still find understanding the ‘why’ as an essential part of the grieving process.

Try your best not to blame yourself for the act. In most cases, cheating is in response to something going wrong in the relationship. The partners are encouraged to sit down and have an honest conversation about what needs are missing.

Take time before you act especially after dealing with yourself. Try not to hurry into packing your bags since you might regret it later. Instead, listen to how you feel and get help if possible before you bring up the subject

Try not to be tempted to tell him to pack his things and leave, or choose to yell at him. Do not even tell him you want a divorce. You should avoid doing things under pressure because you might regret them later. Spend some time with yourself and think about it.

There is no logical answer to cheating. If your unfaithful partner was depressed, they should have told you upfront. Consequently, they should end the relationship before sleeping with someone new.

Dealing with a cheater is emotionally devastating and can change your personality for years. Even if you have decided to stay with your cheating partner and work on your relationship, it is still essential to take time for yourself. It will enable you to recollect your thoughts and take your time to grieve about the situation and make an informed decision.

Let your partner know exactly how you feel about their infidelity. This will allow them the opportunity to plead their case with you and for you to know how much damage they caused you and the relationship. Be clear about your feelings of betrayal, anger, humiliation, and hurt should be clear.

If you decide to work on your relationship, you can involve a third party such as a professional counsellor to give you and your partner to talk about your relationship in a non-confrontational way. This works even if you decided to quit or stay in the relationship.

Reader advice

Have a chat with him

Sandra Frances. In marriage, everything should have a limit, why allow him do that. You better wake up because when you get HIV, there will be no turning back. Additionally, rather than confront him, simply have a talk and air your views about his errant sexual behavior without raising a voice.

He still loves you

Peggie Nakalema. Men unlike women cheat on their partners not because they have lost love for them but because the men are weak. So, he might still actually love you regardless of his actions.

Assess yourself as well

Robert Kimara. First check yourself because you may blame him yet you are the problem.

You may be the problem

Paul Zziwa. You might be the problem. Maybe there are mistakes you have made in the past that you need to make amends for with your husband. Rather than continually confront him, and stress him about his cheating, work on yourself.

Move on

Hellen Akello. You are wasting your time with him. Just move on without him since he has failed to change.

Give him time

Phoebe Miriam. Just give him space and time to reflect and change. If he fails to change, please ignore him and live your life.

Fight for your marriage

Edward Draciri. Please persuade him slowly and do not go out for revenge. Otherwise, you will get diseases and will end up having a miserable life for no good reason. Remember, life has no spare.

Men are strange

Deborah Samanya. What is wrong with men? You can find things in their phones and you fail to understand what they want. lf you are not yet ready to stay faithful why waste our time? You break our hearts and make us think that no man is faithful.

Leave his phone

Godwin Nsiimire. Why do you check in your husband’s phone? It is his phone so keep to your own and avoid those police checks. Another thing is may be your intimate life is lacking hence his actions.

Assess the situation

Patricia Keera. You can do nothing about a cheating partner. If cheating has been his way of life, then realise that that is his character and that is so hard to change. However, if it has happened only once, please go for counselling to mend your marriage.

Silver Arinaitwe. That is his privacy, why do you check his phone? You will not get peace if you want to reveal his secrets. So stop it.

Ivan Waiswa. Before complaining much, what have you done to control what he is doing? What do you think makes him cheat? Spying on him will never give u peace.

Marvin Kisekka. Just have peace at heart to avoid more pain, my dear

Robert Lubuuka. Run for your life, my dear. Otherwise, that man is going to infect you with HIV.

Patrick Brown. You better run for your life before you get HIV

Jason Mukisa. Leave the man’s phone, you will have peace

Alecs Donavan Nyakojo. He will not change. You either learn to live with it or leave.

Lian Lyn Nikita. Tell him about it and see his response. If he denies, leave him

Jones Jonath. Never get tired of confronting him

Sarah Lwanyaga. HIV is real. People cheat because it is a choice, never an accident.

Prince Jona Jim. Confront him please

Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, Counselling psychologist