My husband spends his free time in the bathroom

My husband and I have been married for close to four years and have two children. We both work and had agreed that when we come back from work, we help each other out with the children and chores. However, when my husband comes back from work, he takes his ear phones and tablet and sits in the bathroom until I call him out for dinner. We do not even get time to talk because whenever I try to, he disappears again. Is he tired of the children and I?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Relationships can be complicated and couples may encounter many different types of conflicts that can change their dynamic over time. In some cases, unresolved issues may cause partners to get to a point where they no longer speak.

Usually, ignoring a spouse is a reaction to an underlying problem in the relationship. That problem can be anything from an accumulation of minor disagreements to one of the partners feeling the relationship has become stale. However, the cause is not always due to an issue with the relationship itself.

If your husband ignores you or begins to act differently, he might be trying to find some personal space, for instance. This is especially likely if you have young children and/or busy schedules. Or, your husband might be stressed about work, money, an idea, or other aspects of life and does not have the energy to maintain the relationship with the patience and attention you deserve right now. He could even be experiencing symptoms of a mental health condition that may be affecting his behaviour, so try to be careful to not assume too much.

If your husband seems to be ignoring you, a powerful first step can be to attempt to reestablish communication. Select a time when you are both calm and available. Avoid trying to fit the conversation in when either of you is rushed or tired. Be prepared to take in whatever your husband says and process it before you automatically disagree. Even if you have a different perspective, you can still show empathy by acknowledging that his experience is valid.

Continue to make your efforts in the relationship by making any number of small gestures that contribute to the relationship without asking for anything in return. Think of what makes your spouse feel loved and valued, and consider doing that.

Being ignored by your spouse is often hurtful, and it is normal to want to retaliate in some way. However, ignoring them in return could close the door altogether on the kind of intimacy you want to build or regain. Instead, showing that you are open to giving them space and engaging in a discussion when they are ready may be more constructive.

A lasting conflict in a relationship can get to a point where neither party knows how to address it. In cases such as these, it can be helpful to have the input of an objective third person trained in mediating conflict between two people. A counsellor can provide a safe space where you can both make your concerns heard. They can also offer strategies for improving communication and resolving conflict to help you and your husband try and overcome this challenge.

READER ADVICE

You deserve more

Jane Mukisa. Maybe he is too tired after work. But if this is the case, he should sleep and not spend all his time on his tablet. There is a possibility of extra-marital relationships. Be careful. It seems like early signs. He already seems disinterested in you and is just avoiding you. You do not deserve to be treated like this. You deserve much more attention, affection, enthusiasm and love. He is taking you for granted. Talk to him about your concerns and how are you feeling. If he is mature and sensible, he will change.

Do not be needy

Doreen Muna. If he prefers to spend time away from his family after being away from you the whole day while at work, then show him you are not needy. Spend time with your children and when they are off to bed, engage in an activity that relaxes you such as watching a movie.

Give him space, time

David Nakabale. I would suggest that you find interest outside of your husband. Your husband may need time to himself to unwind after a long hard day at work. Give him a little time and ask him how his day was. If you get the sense that he does not want to talk, leave him alone and do something productive. Sometimes, we have to develop an interest outside of our spouses to appear more interesting. Leave him alone for a while, he will get the message and hopefully acknowledge that you exist.

Get a maid

Pamela Ejang. Hire a maid and schedule your house chores when you return home. Every man has an ego and if they not want to do something, you cannot force them to do it. Find peace by hiring someone to help you.

Pray for your husband

Ivan Mukasa. Pray for your husband; he is either watching something wrong and does not want you and the children to know. Someone will give time to what they deem important in their lives. He is obviously more interested in whatever he is doing on his tablet and it seems adictive.

He does not want to help

Katrina Matovu. The reality is, some men feel disrespected when asked to help with chores. Know that he agreed to help with chores just to make you happy but he is not comfortable with it. It is better you adjust and get used to the fact that it is all on you unless he really feels he wants to help out.

Talk to your husband

Santos Semirembe. No father gets tired of his children. You are no longer friends and you ought to know the reasons why. Talk to your husband because he alone knows the reason for his behaviour.

Is this all?

Joyce Woods. This cannot be it. There is obviously more to this than you are telling us here. However, only you can come up with a solution and save your marriage.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation

Additional information from www.betterhelp.com