Why does he keep lying to me?

I met this guy two years ago at school. At first, things were good but this year he told me he has asthma. I felt bad but I realised it was okay for us to continue. But after a month, he told me he has two children but I was understanding and we continued with the relationship. However, I found out recently that he is married and the worst thing is that after the confession about him having children he later said he had lied but I found out that it was true. He is now asking for forgiveness I am very stressed and confused. What should I do?

Rose

Dear  Rose,

There is nothing as bad as that sinking feeling in your stomach followed by the flash of anger and hurt that comes when your partner lies to you. Obviously, some lies are bigger and more devastating than others, but even small little white lies that accumulate over time can feel like a thousand punches. Basically,  being lied to by the person you love hurts and while you should not have to put up with it, knowing what to do when your boyfriend lies to your face can determine whether your relationship survives dishonesty or will be doomed by it.

This must be stressful for you. In the initial stages of a relationship, partners tell the truth about themselves since at this time, they are trying to start a friendship that might end up as a long term relationship. Lying in any relationship causes insecurity and can make you think everything your boyfriend says may not be true. Unfortunately, it is not in your control to judge if the person you end up with will treat you right.

What is in your control is following your personal values. Some of these values such as honesty help you recognise when your partner is not being open about their life. This includes being open about a chronic disease and even children he may have had such that one can decide to stay in the relationship even after knowing such personal details.

Have an open discussion with your boyfriend about the issue of him lying to you and how it makes you feel. The aim should be to have a conversation that will enable you let him know what kind of relationship you want. This cannot happen in a heated debate or where there is name calling.

Remember that people’s behaviours do not happen in a vacuum; there is always a root cause. What I would recommend is to be precise on how you feel about all this and what about this situation really bothers you.

Label how you feel. Are you upset about the lying? Or frustrated? What part of this issue is the real problem for you? What needs are not being met for you. Is it the lying about his children, sickness, another relationship or everything? How do you feel his behaviour is undermining your relationship?

This will enable you make highly conscious decisions about what to do going forward and to communicate exactly how you feel to your boyfriend. Reacting to a situation is different from communication since the former leads to escalation and arguments and only increases stress.

Importantly, know when your partner’s lies are a deal-breaker. It is important to remember that all lies are not created equal. While the experts’ advice is great for a single instance of dishonesty, chronic lying or large intentional deceptions are a different story.

Ideally, we would never lie to our partners or be lied to, but people are complicated and sometimes they make mistakes. While empathy and understanding, paired with clear boundaries, are a good place to start, the fact remains that a partner who continually lies or deceives you intentionally is not worthy of your love or your time

In case you have done all this and nothing changes, then it really comes down to your values. Ask yourself if you still want to continue in a similar situation and make an informed decision. 

Reader advice

Let go

Jimmy Wester. Hello Rose, I gather in your statement above three things:

a) You are innocent and he manipulated you.

b) You love the man.

c) You are not married yet.

You see, when we allow love to cloud our judgement, we sometimes enter into ditches that can be so deep. What is my point? Yes, you love him but clearly, it is not mutual. Besides, he is married. Do not be the reason their marriage breaks. It is good you found out the truth. If you are a Christian, I believe you must have come across Matthew 19:16, which emphasises no one breaking the two who have become one by marriage. It is a covenant that God Himself started in the Garden of Eden before even the church existed. Therefore, I suggest you let go of the relationship. You will find someone who will be true to you. But in the process, be discerning enough to separate chaff from wheat. 

He is married

Patricia Essie. There is no other advice here apart from you leaving someone else’s husband. Simple as that. It is clear as day that he is married and does not want to leave his wife for you. Why are you wasting your time with such a person?

Wait for your man

Christopher Matumbwe. He is married and has children with this woman. What more do you want, unless if you want to be a second wife or a single mother.  Leave this man and be patient while waiting on God to bring you your own man.

Walk away

Agnes Natukunda. My dear, the decisions about your life entirely depend on you. However, since you asked for advice, I would say walk away before you suffer a heartbreak that will affect you for the rest of your life.

Give it time

 Mac JB Bukenya. Time will never lie. No matter what circumstance, be it finances, children, health, family or success, time will always tell. Play the fool and wait for time to reveal all his lies. Then, you will be justified to leave.

You know what to do

David Waigo. It seems by the time you came to us for help, you have already made up your mind about what to do. No one wants to be unhappy and if this man is making you even doubt yourself, move on.

He is just a liar

David Waigo. If life has taught me anything then it is this; if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.  This man of yours sees no value in telling you the truth and because you tolerate his lies, he keeps doing it. Stop ignoring all the red flags.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation