My wife uses Lent as an excuse to avoid intimacy

Now that Lent is almost here, I write in desperate need of advice. My wife and I have been married for more than six years and all was well until two years ago. During Lent, she decided she was fasting from any kind of intimacy with me and told me so. When I asked why, she said this was her time to get closer to God and while she fasts and prays, she does not want any distractions. She assures me though that she still loves me very much. However, I am always left wondering; since we are married, is it not against God’s will to deny me intimacy? Please help. Justus

Dear Justus,

Conjugal rights refer to the rights and obligations that spouses have towards each other regarding companionship, support and everything regarding a marriage. These rights are an essential aspect of a healthy and fulfilling marriage, and their denial can lead to emotional and psychological harm to the spouse who is being denied. 

It is true that married partners should not deny each other conjugal rights. Lent is one of the doctrines that some Christian congregations follow. From your submission, it seems as though your wife just changed her behaviour. 
From what I have read from the Bible, intimacy is a conjugal right. Therefore,  you must agree as a couple to avoid it during some special periods. However, due to various teachings in different churches, it could be that this was emphasised by someone with authority as dogma.
Some drastic changes might have push factors which might be internal or external. The best thing is for you to speak to your wife and invite her to have a candid conversation about this topic. 
Let her know in a non-confrontational way what this means to you.  Give her a chance to also take you through what she is trying to do or achieve step by step. Avoid raising your voice as this will only lead to retaliation.
You can also seek support from your spiritual leader whom you both respect. The aim is to get a third party who is much older to help you discuss this issue. This can be a good time to ask your spiritual leader questions around this topic. 

You can also find a professional marriage counsellor who will create a safe space for you and your wife to openly discuss the intimacy topic. At some point, a couple can be faced with a major challenge and one of them resorts to extreme behaviours as a way of coping with the pain. 
Be compassionate to your wife and support her during this period as she might be going through a challenging time. If this is a new behaviour as mentioned earlier, it is possible that she is going through a challenging situation and needs your support. 

Otherwise, deciding to fast against intimacy during Lent season is done in a way that caters for both individuals. Marriage is between two people who also have a duty to fulfil each other’s needs and be ready to discuss anything new that might cause conflict in their relationship.
Remeber that prayer also builds intimacy. Marriage provides a level of intimacy that other relationships on Earth cannot match. Praying together creates a fertile ground for intimacy to grow and develop and strengthen over time. 

Prayer requires a certain level of vulnerability; you must be open with God and whoever you are praying with. This type of vulnerability around married partners increases intimacy and trust in powerful ways.
Once you have begun sharing your deepest thoughts with each other (and God) you will be able to be more supportive of one another. You will have the knowledge of those things that are on your spouse’s mind and can work together to find strategies to help each other move forward.

As you work together to overcome those concerns or desires you may have, it will help to strengthen your relationship as you both work with passion toward the same goals.
Remember also that going to God during times of disagreement will help you to diffuse the situation and come back to what is important in the bond that you share with your wife.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation

Readers' advice

It is biblical
Jimmy Wester. First of all, sex was gifted to man by God within the confines of a marriage. Religion tries to make it look as though it is sin to enjoy intimacy in the time of Lent, which is wrong. One of the purposes of marriage is as we read in 1 Corinthians 7:9; “But if they cannot contain, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn.”

 In 1 Corinthians 7:5, we read, “Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”  

Therefore:
1- Do not defraud one another of your conjugal rights. 
2- If you should, it must be with the other partner’s consent. Sit down and discuss it. God looks at you as a single unit. 
3- Do not do it for long lest the enemy comes in unawares to tempt you. 

Talk to someone
Umm Abdullah Nadir. Intimacy itself between two married people is an act of worship, which brings you closer to your creator. I do not see why this would become a taboo, even during Lent. Talk to someone in church who can explain to your wife what or how it should be done.

You can wait
Kennedy Okiror. Wait for Lent to end sir. You do not mix intimacy with the things of God, unless you do not know who God is.

Join her as well
Adriana Juliana. Just be patient. It is just 40 days in a year. Since you now know that she needs this time to fast and pray, bear with her and maybe even join her. God will reward you both for your sacrifice. 

Be patient
Moses Opolot. First, do you understand the meaning of Lent? Secondly does she do the same when it is not Lent season? Do you share the same house when she is fasting? If yes, then just give her time to talk to her God. Be patient for only that period of time or join her in fasting if possible to avoid complaints.

Respect her decision
Jas Lewis Alongkole. How do you feel when someone tries to distract you, especially when you are praying or trying to get closer to your God? There is a reason why you wife needs this alone time with God. If she has not given you a reason to doubt her, respect her decision.

She needs guidance
Phoebe Miriam. Your wife lacks good counsel. Sex between a legally recognised couple and blessed by God is holy. Seek godly counsel and let her be advised unless she is tired of the marriage and wants out.