Why is he taking his sweet time to propose?

Good people, I do not even know whether he loves me or not! We have been together a good number of years now. 10 to be exact. We have met each other’s families. We have four beautiful children together and are in a happy, stable relationship. The problem is I want to make it official, but he doesn’t seem ready. At all. There’s always an excuse - our friends should go first, there’s not enough money to cover the wedding, etc. What should I do to make him give me the ring? Marjorie Nakibuuka

Dear Marjorie,

This is quite an uphill task for you.

From experience with relationships, things agreed upon earlier on before moving in are much easier to achieve than when you have compromised from the start.

From the look of things the relationship seems to be going on well and you are happy except for the commitment part. Meaning that you have to choose between following your values of an official wedding versus your happy relationship at the moment.

It is also true that a mutual commitment empowers a relationship and makes it more resilient against life’s potential struggles.

So I like that you want to be legally married. You mentioned that whenever you bring the topic of official marriage, he reasons you out, therefore I would advise you to try and do it differently.

Sometimes the way we communicate might turn into a tantrum or even nagging instead of a discussion where one speaks and the other listens.

Psychologically men are not so good at dealing with emotions and so might easily find a good reason to put the matter at rest.

Have that talk 

My advice is for you to plan a serious talk with the father of your children, spend some time writing down what marriage means to you on a practical and deeply personal level.

List why being married officially is important to you, and what it means to you emotionally and culturally.  You might also write about what marriage has meant to you in the past, perhaps consider your parent’s marriage and how that felt stable and safe to you.

It might be true that your boyfriend has no money to hold a wedding but it can also mean that he does not value a wedding depending on what he saw as a young boy.

You might come to realise that you two are living together but with parallel ideas about marriage. Having spent 10 years together might mean to your husband that you were okay with it but are changing due to peer pressure.

Therefore it is important to be clear about your decision. You can now share with him all the things you wrote.

Before he responds, offer him the chance to take some time to process and write and organise his own feelings about marriage or not being married.

Let him know that you want to learn about his perspective and ask him if he would be able to change his view, or if avoiding the institution of marriage is a firm boundary for him.

After you have had this talk, which may be an ongoing communication for several days or weeks, let him know that you have a decision to make.

Let him know how much you love him and value both your relationship and his feelings on the subject.  Make your decision based on your deepest values.

Whatever you decide, make sure it is a decision that you can live with and not find yourself resentful years down the line.

Reader advice

Contribute towards wedding

Masaba Kissa Robert

Support him to develop. Contribute at least 20 per cent towards the event. Do not have only receiving hands. If a lady contributes genuinely towards a marriage ceremony, then she values and protects it .

Create and practice a feeling of wanting to spend the rest of your life with him by not simply wanting to formalise the marriage but by being ready to develop and secure your future together.

No man, even the richest, is willing to spend any of his money on relationship he knows will not last.

Leave him

Ronie Mukisa

Just leave him and find another rich man who values you; one who will make your family members and friends happy.  Thank me later.

Sponsor the ceremony

Moses Earthe

Tell him to make the wedding during this lockdown, and you sponsor it.  Just 20 people  with each person contributing Shs20,000 for a plate of food.

No music and basically no entertainment.

Put aside money for a priest.

The venue is the restaurant where you order for food. Every invited guests find his way to the venue and out.  Less than a million shillings spent.

Use this Covid-19 period

Batume William

Try to explain to your partner that you two can do what is  within your means. Also take advantage of this Covid-19 season to carry out a scientific wedding, an option that can work for you.

Be patient and pray

Phoebe Miriam

That’s the problem with living with a man fwaaaaa. Precisely 10 years and still counting, giving him all the sex , etc without defining the relationship! Now, after wasting 10 years of your prime life he is dilly dallying and could even wed someone else. Well, since you already have kids please be patient while you pray. He will wed you when he is ready.

Weddings can be expensive

Charles Lee

Is it marriage you want or a wedding? Getting married is not very expensive but weddings can be outrageous (and in my opinion a waste of money).

It is enough you are together

Kalanda Richard

What do you mean by official,? I guess you are staying together, you know each others family and you have kids, that is enough. These things of parties are nothing apart from people coming to eat and leave you broke!

@Heart2HeartMagazine