What you need to know:
- Ugandans! But what is happening to Ugandans? What is with the lugambo? Of what use are twins to me? ... I know I need new friends. I imagined if I showed up somewhere at Kampala or Makindye Club, and got myself a ka membership, we would be discussing more serious things. Things such as fiscal policy, the new infrastructure bonds, the challenges of that Boards face, things that shake this nation.
I have crazy friends. I do not count myself crazy, I have always seen myself different from them – just a normie guy reaching out to the crazies.
My friends come up with the weirdest of observations. They connect things that should not even connect. We were somewhere enjoying the best of what life has to offer then this friend commented; ‘Naye gwe sebo, have you noticed the nsenene have jam?” Then it hit me that it was already towards the end of October and by this time, the first round of nsenene would have shown up.
You know the nsenene show up in phases. Instantly, I informed my other friends to launch investigations into the nsenene thing. Because we could be about to unravel the biggest of scandals. Someone could be hoarding the nsenene. Worse, someone could have sold the nsenene to the Chinese. Many things are now possible in Uganda.
Whenever I wake up these days, I first check around myself. Are the ears that I have mine? You could wake up one day when some jama has changed your feet. We are yet to find out, but surely there is no smoke without fire. Something is happening to the nsenene. My mother used to tell me, that when the year had over-overed, the nsenene would just refuse. That when the nsenene get overwhelmed by the events in a certain year, they simply postpone their visit.
But as we argued about the nsenene, another friend whispered, ‘mbu wama the good thing, abalongo do not grow from outside.’ But what is happening to Ugandans? What is with the lugambo? Of what use are twins to me? Another one added; ‘atte gwe abalongo bayokya…’ At this rate, I know I need new friends. I imagined if I showed up somewhere at Kampala or Makindye Club, and got myself a ka-membership, we would be discussing more serious things.
Things such as fiscal policy, the new infrastructure bonds, the challenges of that Boards face, you know things that shake this nation. But not my friends, they keep engaging me in other things, and you know my brain is suited for the higher problems.
On another beautiful note, it is raining in Kampala. In fact, it is pouring. Something is coming with this rain. But now I am also sceptical of promising Ugandans big things. If you ask men that have sent transport money in this Kampala, they will tell you that the big thing never showed up. In this Kampala, it is better things just happen. When is the last time something big happened in Uganda? You see, you cannot remember. Those of you who attend Church on New Year’s Day, what happened to your pastor’s big things? The prophecies about 2023, that sleek attempt at numerology? Again, you see, nothing big comes out of those things. The only big thing that happens and will always happen over here is our great potholes.
Now, I also have a new theory. I believe Ugandans are not mediocre. I believe Ugandans deep down desire to live in a clean place. I believe Ugandans enjoy the finest of things in life. I believe every Ugandan has some of that ‘munaMasaka’ ambition in them, the ambition of people from Buddu, at least I believe. But I also believe Ugandans hate being ‘ruled’.
You know, here in Buganda, the Kabaka ‘does not rule’, aka tafugga but ‘kulamulas’. I cannot find an English equivalent for ‘kulamula’. This is how the theory connects. That going by the fact Ugandans have been ruled, they always look for ways to express their dissatisfaction or at least remind themselves that they are still free. And how do they do that?
By littering wherever they want. By breaking the rules that they can. Man will do anything to remind himself of his independence, of his individuality.
The inadequacies we see in Ugandans are not bugs, but features. They are undergoing a serious thing of individuation. I see this when a boda guy intentionally parks and blocks off a portion of the road and then shouts; ‘awo oyitawo naawe’. I see this when taxis own one of the road lanes and keep joining it as and when they wish. I see this in our comical TikTok videos. Ugandans are just trying to remind themselves that come what may, we are still free in some ways, and they will go to heights to express that. Ugandans rebel in different ways. Our women would rebel by humming certain bu songs with the messages of the things they want to tell us.
Imagine a woman humming; ‘siri muyembe…’ Speaking of husbands and wives, when did this nonsense of ‘omuhusband’ and ‘omuwife’ begin? Is it a word play of omwishiki? All the same, I have also launched the next big thing in my circles. Come 2026, I have asked the gods for nothing but a daughter of Eve who will serve me Amakamo in Ekyanzi… or else I will keep camping!