Why it is wise to hold your tongue in a relationship

We often give away part of ourselves when we share our deepest fears and failures in any relationship.

These may not count much in the long run, but in a deeply committed relationship, stakes are higher, because failure to discern the right person, place, moment and sharing your secrets with them, might ruin a good relationship. I set out to find out what people can or cannot share with their partners and here are some of their responses:  

“There is no way I will ever tell my wife I made out with our neighbour’s maid in my hey days. That was a big mistake I regret up to now. Of course, I would not do it now. Some things are better kept safe than said. I would rather go to hell than share that secret with her,” says Morris. 

Margaret believes that sharing secrets is dependant on the calibre of the partner. “I have shared with my boyfriend some horrible mistakes I made in my past because he has been the shoulder I needed to lean on. He has been very supportive. But now that you ask me, I am not sure if he will change in the future. That gets me scared,” . 

“To some extent, I will be as transparent with my girlfriend, but not all the time. She uses my faults against me whenever we argue, so this shields me in some cases. For instance, there is a female co-worker with whom we are very good friends. We often lend each other money when we are broke. I would never tell my girlfriend about this coworker. She is the jealous type who will assume I am going out with my co-worker,” John. 

Bridget believes some things should be kept secret for peace to prevail. “When we planned our wedding, he insisted on a wedding gown I did not like. I did not want a gown to ruin the mood for the day. We have been married for 10 years now and he does not know that I do not like our wedding photos because of that gown.” 

“I like my privacy. Some spaces are mine alone. There is no way I am going to share my phone with my husband. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. I am being private, not secretive. Yes, we are one, but two separate people. He can have his privacy and I can have mine,” says Daphne.  

“My boyfriend thinks he is great between the sheets, but my ex-boyfriend was much better. He is a better person and partner overall, but I can never tell him that,” says Dorcus. 

Mildred decided to secretly open personal bank account to safeguard the family from plunging into financial challenges. “My husband is a spendthrift. He drinks some of our money and wastes some on his wenches. I am forced to bear the brunt of all the bills. He has no clue I opened a secret account and he will never know. He can do whatever he wants with his money. At least I will not live in constant strain emotionally.” 

Secrets you should share
Relationships require a degree of honesty. Lying and secrecy can be detrimental to a relationship. Some secrets can bind the person in a web of guilt, shame and anxiety. However, when they are shared, their power is broken and freedom is experienced. 

It also makes the relationship close, stronger and more enduring. There is a right time and place to do this though. For instance, you should never share with your partner when they are in a hurry, in public, when both of you are angry, drunk, sick and stressed. These moments do not provide a conducive environment for such disclosure to happen. When the time is right, these secrets should be shared with your partner:     

Medical issues
 If you are a sickler or diabetic or epileptic, or have HIV or a major disorder, share this information with your partner early on in the relationship, so they can choose to stay and help you or leave. I am not saying you say these things on the first date, but as time allows and you gauge the moment to be right and you trust each other.  

Children
This is a common relationship-breaker if not disclosed. You do not want your spouse to discover you have a child or children from previous relationships and you certainly do not want them to learn it from a source other than you. As early in the relationship, you should be able to disclose this information.

Family dynamics
Information about your family should be known by your spouse or partner. It helps them relate with your relatives. Who is who in the family hierarchy? Are you estranged from your parents and sibling? How do you relate with them overall? What conversations should they have or avoid when around your relatives?  

Ambitions and hobbies
 It is common to hide some personal ambitions and hobbies from partners for fear they may not approve of them or be supportive. But how about they are willing to go the distance with you on them? The right partner will support you. 

Secrets you should never share      
Do not ask about the number of previous intimate partners, details of their names and do not disclose. Sharing this secret adds no value to the relationship rather it can ruin it. 

You hate the people they love 
You loathe his mother whom he loves so much or you have this crush on the girl next door that she hates because she is more beautiful. You should not share such. You are likely to generate a fight and animosity. 

Negative comments from friends 
When the relationship starts to struggle, they might accuse you, your friends and your family for not liking them in the first place. A healthy relationship should allow partners to freely be themselves and be loved at the same time. But this comes with the maturity of the relationship and the partners involved.