You want to raise confident children? Here are tips

We are culturally taught to lower our heads and not look in the eyes of someone older when we are talking to them. It is a sign of respect and humility. Because of this, we raise our children this way unaware that inadvertently, the same attitude might lead them to become people with low self-esteem.

Every parent would like to raise confident children. Confident children will go places and might take their parents along; they will be leaders, they will excel in school and work, they will relate well with peers and adults, they will be influencers in their societies, they will bring pride to their parents. But what does a confident child look like?

Who is a confident child?

They have an opinion and express it fairly assertively but respectfully. They keep eye contact when they are talking with someone. They talk at an appropriate range not in hushed tones. They possess a good self-image; they are comfortable in their skin. They take on age-appropriate tasks without fear when called upon. They are involved.

They engage with others and the environment around them. They know they are loved they do not need to prove anything. They ask questions about things they do not know or understand. They have a positive outlook towards life. They care about others; parents, relatives, siblings, and friends.  How can parents raise such a child with the characteristics above?

Allow them to think

 You do not have to answer every question they pose. You may be a hindrance to their learning. If they can tie their shoe laces and bathe themselves, they are capable of thinking for themselves to a certain degree. Facilitate the process. Let them generate their ideas and back them up. Give them pointers and send them to research. If you have a smartphone, let them Google that information then come back to you to fill in the missing pieces. Be the bouncing board for their ideas. Let them know they can come to you anytime about what they are thinking. Not only are you creating relationships, you are also developing their critical thinking skills and raising their confidence levels.

Speak well of and to them

  Speak words of encouragement, praise, and affirmation to them. Even when they fail, focus on the effort they have invested and the progress they have made and not on the result they should have achieved. For instance, you have tasked them to mop the house because they have seen you do it before and you have done it with them. This time they are on their own. They have done it well, but have left a lot of water in the corners of the house. Rather than be upset about it, appreciate them for trying, because with repeated practice, they will perfect the task and operate effortlessly.

Motivate their talents

Motivation comes from the Latin word movere which means “stir, arouse, excite and move. What moves your child? What is that unique ability or talent that gets them excited and want to move? As a parent, you ought to know. Is it playing football, playing piano, singing, leading teams, writing, or solving mathematics equations? Whatever it is, motivate them in that direction of their gifting. For example, some parents of iconic athletes have been motivating influences behind their children’s successful careers; we would never have known about tennis sisters, Venus Williams and Serena Williams, if it were not for their father, Richard Dove Williams Jr, or Tiger woods if it were not for his father Earl Dennison Woods.  

Love them

When a child knows that they are loved by their parents or caregivers, they will blossom in their relationships, academics and activities. Be firm, but pleasant to them. Delight in them. Tell them you are proud of them even if they goof at times (which may be many times in a day); it is part of learning and growing.  

Responsibility

 Give them age-appropriate tasks that suit their abilities and interests and increase them as they grow to take on more. For instance, sweeping the compound or washing the dishes, or preparing the family meal. When they know that the family depends on them to deliver in a certain area, they will be elated and confident. Giving children tasks or responsibilities has been known to instill discipline even in the most rebellious children, as they begin to develop a good self-image about themselves. It also sparks innovation.            

Model confidence as a parent

 Let them see you model confidence in the way you carry yourself; speak up, take initiatives that impact your community and do something even when you feel afraid. A friend shared with me an incident many years ago that happened at his school and involved his father. It was a parent; children, and school staff meeting and his father was of course attending. During the part of introductions, his father could barely introduce himself; “the man mumbled and fumbled that even I who was seated next to him could hardly hear him. It was a very embarrassing moment for him but more for me. Since then, when I look at him, I see a coward and not a man and it hurts just to think he is my father .”

Positive influence

It can be a trip within the country or abroad, encourage them to enroll in debating clubs, Boy Scouts or Girl Guides, Interact clubs in their schools. In these spaces, they learn a lot, become useful to themselves, their families, and their communities. Prudence Mpairwe Aturinde, the Project Coordinator at the Girl Guides Association of Uganda says, “We have programmes where we organise girls into small groups in which each girl has an opportunity to speak out about any issue affecting them. We also have activities that test and enhance their creativity. We also teach them to manage emergencies and through activities such as camping, they learn to set up a home. Many come in when they are timid and lazy, but change and develop confidence and grit with time,” she says.

Full distance

 If it is a project or task they are working on, allow your children to go the full distance and not short-circuit the process. Cheating for your child or giving them an unfair advantage over others is disadvantageous to them.  It is shows you do not have confidence in them in achieving the desired target. This might set them up for failure in the future.