Does being hard on your child bring the best out of them?

As I rested on the couch one evening, I watched an NTV story, where a mother beat up her son so badly she was slamming him against the glass door of their house’s entrance. Reason? The eight-year-old did not return change worth Shs3, 000.

If you have watched Sound of Music, Captain von Trapp in this movie, is so tough that he would only whistle and his children would come running and make a military kind of parade before him, from the youngest to the oldest.

Odd parenting,  isn’t it? But the free-spirited Maria, sent to act as a tutor to these seven children, frees them as birds from cages, gives them freedom and breathes new life into the army man himself, marrying him eventually.      

Some think that being hard on their children brings out the best out of them and that is valid for some reason and for some time but not always. 

Research, however, shows that children who are well treated by parents have confidence, fewer behavioural issues, post better academic grades and have great interpersonal relationships. 
It sounds outrageous to tell a parent to be kind to their child. So how can we strike a balance?    

Recognise they are children 
Be easy on them. Give them room to err. When the time for our Nana to learn potty manners came, we tried everything in vain. I would often hear the mother frustrated and worried sick the child will one day embarrass her in public. 

Months down the road, she began asking for the potty herself. Then she would do her stuff and carry it to the toilet. If you attempted to help her in the process, she would protest. Sometimes, you just have to sit back and chill your children. They will come around on their own as they grow.     

Discipline not punishment
Some parents punish their children more than their violations deserve and assume it is discipline. Regardless of how many ways we say it, punishment is not discipline. 

Punishment is meant to inflict pain and may lead to emotional challenges such as anxiety disorders in future for these children. Punishment is meant to injure, maim, torture, violate, or disfigure. 
Discipline, on the other hand, is meant for correction. It comes from the Latin word disciplina- which means teaching or instruction. This means it can be as simple as talking to them, never mind you will repeat yourself like a broken record, but that is okay.      

Act versus persona
Some parents spew out vulgar, curse words towards their children for the most trivial misdemeanor. Just because your son forgot to lay his bed does not make him a dimwit. And because your little daughter played longer than she should does not mean she deserves harsh treatment. 
They may have blundered, but they are not who you say they are. You can express displeasure or even hate what they do, but still take pleasure in them as persons. The biggest parenting regret is to look back at the child you once cursed, now blessed. That time always comes, make no mistake about it.       

Do not make it hard for them 
Some parents carry the flawed mentality that their children must suffer like they did to get where they are today. They think that suffering is the golden route to success or learning. Yes, you had a rough childhood, but your children live in a different era. 

I have come to appreciate that my children may never never walk to school bare feet, fetch water on their heads, or tend to cows and goats while half-naked. The world has evolved and many things we did with physical energy can now be done by machines.  

Listen to them
Issuing orders and commands regardless of how children feel is like throwing seeds in a garden without caring whether they will grow or not. Listening to a child allows you to understand them better. 

Listening to them tells them you care. A child may be going through a difficult moment or having a bad day, which is common to all of us and what do we need during such times? 

A listening ear.  Listening allows you to get feedback, change course, or adjust your sails without injuring them or their growth process and communicates that you love them. 

Age-appropriate freedom
 By allowing your children to make choices and graduating if they choose well, you are helping them establish the confidence and security to take care of themselves, where and when you are not present with them. 

For instance, you cannot force your child to eat an omelette at 10 years old, when they do not like it. It is a choice they have made and you should make peace with it.     

Look at the bigger picture
The things that mostly irk us are temporal and inconsequential in the long run. One day, I squared off with our gateman who also serves as a cleaner. He forbade all children in our apartment complex from playing in the compound, arguing that he wanted to maintain cleanliness. 

I told him that the reason he cleans it is that they make it dirty or he would have no work if it were clean all the time. We both agreed he would leave them to enjoy their play.