Can grief become fatal? A therapist weighs in

You have probably heard grief-stricken people describe the pain they feel as close to being killed. It is uncanny how true their description is. In July 2021, when her father succumbed to a  Covid-19 related heart attack, Pearl Baine was certain she would not survive the intensity of the devastation of her loss. Baine says her father James Sallies Lwanga was her everything and she could not think of a life without him 

“I was unable to eat or sleep for days and in 10 days, I lost seven kilogrammes,” she recounts.  

What Baine was going through is medically known as broken heart syndrome. According to www.mayoclinic.org, people with broken heart syndrome may have sudden chest pain or think they are having a heart attack.

Broken heart syndrome affects just part of the heart. It briefly interrupts the way the heart pumps blood while the rest of the heart continues to work normally. Sometimes the heart contracts more forcefully. Baine’s symptoms sent her in and out of hospitals. 

Turning point

“Most people who came to condole with me advised me to embrace the pain of grief and loss because it never goes away. I actually believed them and thought I would always feel like that,” Baine says.  

But the persistent insomnia was causing her memory loss. This is when she knew she could not live like that. 

“I searched the internet trying to make sense of what was happening to me in order to save myself,” Baine recounts. 

During her search, she ended up looking for universities that taught grief counselling/therapy and how one could actually cope with grief. She found one in the United States of America that teaches grief, trauma and other mental wellness courses as well as their therapies and coping mechanisms. 

“I logged onto the University portal, sent my application and credentials and two days later, I was accepted into the university. Having made the commitment, I enrolled and started lectures. It was one of the hardest courses I have ever done. I thought of quitting every day but I always found a reason to hold on,” she recollects. Baine’s tenacity was rewarded when nine months later, she graduated with distinction and was recommended to work anywhere in the world.

“As challenging as the curse was, it was also the solution I was looking for. It taught me how to cope with grief and loss better. I also learnt that the only way through grief is to grieve and that it actually gets better as you go along. I learnt that grief also allows pain and joy to co-exist and that you can never feel the same pain ever because as grief also evolves,” she says.

Having experienced the helplessness that comes from dealing with grief alone, Baine decided to help others. 

Unfortunately, she experienced another tragedy shortly after her graduation, with the loss of her best friend Patricia Kente Kireju. 

“I sunk back into grief and I strongly believe I coped better because of the knowledge that I had been equipped with,” Baine says. 

“I decided to open up Sallies, a grief care centre in honour of my father’s memory to help people struggling with grief,” she adds.

Embracing grief therapist

My first client was a referral from a friend (a doctor) who knew I had recently graduated as a grief therapist. He had a patient who was struggling with loss and could benefit from grief therapy.

“I turned down his request because I was also dealing with my own grief. But he was persistent and called again to inform me that the patient had now become suicidal. Despite my own emotional and physical pain, I chose to help,” Baine recollects. 

The session run for about two and a half hours. Over the next few days, Baine wondered how the client was doing. When she finally called, the doctor said he was doing much better and the client confirmed it later, saying he had even gone back to work.

Grief care therapy

There are different levels of grief and they can be triggered by any significant loss that disrupts a persons’ sense of security. 

“Generally speaking, the best way to overcome grief and finally start to cope is to grieve. One has to acknowledge their loss, feel their pain, mourn the person, relationship or whatever they have lost and finally learn to live with the absence,” Baine notes. 

Grief therapy, therefore, simply helps people cope with grief, especially when it becomes complicated, prolonged and abnormal. It equips people with coping strategies to process their emotions, leading to emotional healing and closure. These coping mechanisms can reduce symptoms of depression, anxiety and other mental health issues associated with grief.

Managing and coping well through grief greatly contributes to improved physical health by reducing one’s stress levels, promoting better sleep and overall well-being. Learning to cope also allows people to continue functioning normally in their daily lives, fulfilling responsibilities and pursuing their goals without being consumed by grief despite the depth and challenges of their loss.

Understanding grief therapy

Baine notes that there are misconceptions about grief therapy and its effectiveness. Some believe that grief is a natural process that does not require professional intervention, and they doubt the ability of therapy to alleviate their pain. Some individuals are simply unaware of the benefits of grief therapy or the availability of resources for support.

To her, grief is a natural emotional response to loss and typically cannot be "cured" or fixed. It is also a complex and individual experience that varies greatly from person to person. While grief may never fully disappear, it evolves and becomes more manageable over time. 

Healing from grief does not mean forgetting about the person or thing that was lost, but rather learning to live with the loss and adjust to a new reality.

It is essential for individuals experiencing grief to seek support when needed and allow themselves to feel and process their emotions at their own pace. Everyone's journey through grief is unique, and there is no set timeline for healing.

Negative experiences with therapy or counselling in the past has also made people reluctant to try it again, even in a different context such as grief therapy.

“I do not fix grief or loss. I help people cope through their grief journey, especially after it becomes complicated. Grief therapy involves confronting and processing intense emotions associated with loss. Some people are also afraid of confronting their emotions and worry that therapy will make them feel worse. But sometimes, you need to feel all those emotions before you get better,” says the therapist. 

Signs of complicated grief
Prolonged grief
Grief that persists for an extended period, typically six months or more, and is significantly more persistent and intense. For instance one finds it difficult and challenging to perform daily tasks, maintain relationships, or engage in activities they once enjoyed due to their grief. 

Intrusive thoughts 
One may experience persistent and intrusive thoughts or memories of the deceased that interfere with their ability to function and engage in daily life.

Difficulty accepting the loss
One may have difficulty accepting the reality of the death, feeling disbelief or denial even long after the loss has occurred.

Guilt 
Experiencing intense feelings of guilt or self-blame related to the circumstances of the death or things left unsaid or undone.

Social withdrawal
 Withdrawal from social activities and relationships, feeling disconnected from others who don't understand one’s grief.

Physical symptoms
Complicated grief can also manifest in physical symptoms such as fatigue, insomnia, headaches, or other stress-related ailments.