Does the timing of sex during dating matter?

The portrait of dating and marriage has changed. Now, some quarters are test driving to determine if they are compatible with their partners. Some years ago, this was rare. True love waited and in some communities, women were defined by their virginity or lack thereof. Even as complete abstinence before marriage is frowned upon, and couples opt to test how good together they are in the sack, a few questions linger. If a couple desires a stable, long-term relationship, how soon is too soon? And does holding out on sex until a few months into dating guarantee a longer-lasting relationship?

Right at the top of the list of the qualities that 28 year-old Antonela Minayo desires in a man is; he should be good in bed. Antonela, a small business owner speaks candidly on where she stands when it comes to getting intimate with romantic partners.

“I like to get it out of the way quickly. When I begin dating, I like to get intimate with a love interest within the first few days or weeks to just get it out of the way. This way, I can get to know this person without that hanging over our heads,” she says.

When she has had this discussion with her friends, she says she has heard the argument that when you get intimate too quickly in a relationship, the relationship becomes only about the physical. She believes the opposite to be true.

“People pretend that if you are dating and waiting some weeks or months to get intimate, your relationship is not about the physical. The truth is, if you are dating someone you are sexually attracted to, there is a lot of sexual tension and physical intimacy is part of what you think about. The whole relationship becomes about that,” she says, adding, “Besides, getting sex out of the way and still wanting to see each other is an affirmation that you have a bond that is stronger than an anticipation to get intimate. It is a good thing,” she adds.

Waiting for Godot

“Sometimes waiting to date for several months to have sex is like waiting for an illusion. An idea,” says Margaret, a 31-year-old travel agent.

Margaret was raised in a strict Christian home. Before she met the man that is now her husband, she and her childhood boyfriend were saving sex for when they had made their relationship official with their families. She was the one that came up with the idea and the young man wanting to continue dating her, went along.

“It was not what he wanted. It was just what he needed to do to be with me,” she says.

He got tired of trying to talk her round to the idea and then waited for her to come round on her own until he could not wait anymore. Eventually, he got another woman pregnant and all the plans that he and Margaret had built over the years crumbled.

“I was bitter at first but I now feel that if a relationship is going to work, a love interest should not have to wait just because you are. It should be what they also want. This means that if you are waiting for months into a relationship, there is a limited pool of people you can successfully date,” she says.

After a not so good experience, with her second boyfriend, now husband, they made the decision to dive right into it. “So far so good,” she says.

What about compatibility?

Does waiting a few months to have sex with a new flame guarantee a longer, more stable relationship? Wangui, a candid, liberal 29-year-old government employee believes that it does not. She believes that getting intimate early in a relationship not only helps save time but also ensures longer-lasting relationships by revealing true personalities early on. To her, an individual’s bedroom personality is a reflection of their true personality.

“I have dated one or two people who managed to put up a front for months. I know that a person can pretend to be someone they are not but not during intimacy,” she explains.

She believes you can take cues from a person’s sexual personality. How patient are they? How much are they willing to give? Then that is who they truly are.

“Haven’t you heard that sex is one of the major reasons people divorce?” poses Gloria O, 30, when asked why she prefers not to wait too long to get intimate with a new partner. For a relationship to thrive, Gloria believes a couple ought to be compatible when it comes to sexual attraction, level of enthusiasm as well as the desired frequency.

“You have to be intimate to know these things. There is no use waiting five months only to find out that you are not compatible,” she says.

Can you determine sexual compatibility without engaging in actual sex? I pose to Thambi, 26, a virgin and a youth counsellor at her church. She says it is possible. First, she says, one needs to know the true reason that your love interest does not want to get intimate early on in a relationship. Watch out for any hang-ups or trauma they may be holding onto from the past.

“Just because you are not being intimate does not mean that you should not discuss it. Your love interest’s inability or reluctance to have an open conversation about it should be the first red flag of incompatibility,’ she says.

Sex therapist Maurice Matheka disagrees. In his view, it is impossible for a couple to determine sexual compatibility without actually having sex.

“A celibate couple discussing sex is like two mechanics discussing an engine that they have never seen before,” he says.

Advice

According to Nicholas Nasombi, a counselling psychologist, sexual passion and excitement tends to decline with time in a relationship. If you get intimate early in a relationship, it means that these feelings of passion will also wear off quickly.

“If you want to get intimate early in a relationship, you must also be willing to put in extra work to keep the relationship alive,” he advises.