Pick and choose identity

Given the current raging debate on identity politics, I thought to myself, why not walk in the shoes of those struggling with their God-given identity and also choose what to identify as? Right, let us give it a try.

For tax purposes, I would like to identify as a cat. That is right, a cat. Unlike a cow, goat or other useful farm animal, a cat has no monetary value. It cleans itself using its own saliva and lives off other people’s food and shelter. There is always an abundant supply of cats to keep the cat population stable as they are concurrently promiscuous and polygamous. A cat spends nothing, earns nothing and is therefore impossible to tax. That is why when the revenue authority comes knocking, it is with a bold unblinking eye that I will tell them I identify as a Norwegian Forest cat (it has very beautiful hair by the way).

For social purposes, I would like to identify as a hedgehog. This means that I am not interested in close human contact as I am already overwhelmed by the current amount of human contact in my life. As a hedgehog, I cannot be invited to social events in case and that is all very good. Just keep me in a warm corner and feed me regularly, thanks.

For work purposes, I would like to identify as a hologram. Yes, you can see me but I am just an image projected by an intelligent machine that has figured out how to present itself as female. What this means is that I am here to work, solve problems and get paid, no emotional involvement please.

For parenting purposes, I would like to identify as an Eastern box turtle, which hibernates for up to five months in a year. Oh, the joy of being ‘unavailable for comment’ for five whole months! This means only having seven months in a year to wake up early, referee fights and bark and repeat rules and instructions to my forgetful offspring. Imagine a sign on my bedroom door written ‘Mummy is in hibernation’—how lovely! 

Wishing you a great weekend,

Norwegian Forest cat.