A toast to Uganda’s recent inductees to ‘Hall of Shame’

Sunday May 02 2021
pp05pix

By Jacobs Odongo Seaman

Uganda has no Beverly Hills-like Hall of Fame. We still have so much debt to repay by borrowing more money that some elite later pilfer.

But who said we can wait for the Hall of Fame while just picking our nostrils and pretending that Alex Mukulu was coming from an overflowing pit-latrine when he took issues to his nostrils? There is a ‘Hall of Fame’ for Uganda’s animals on three legs.
Here is to the inductees.

The preacher
The committee of the Hall of Fame had rejected the recommendation to induct this fellow but then he protested and threatened to do something unimaginable.
“You’ll see,” he warned.
The Church of England got the notice, too, and wrote to the committee, saying they were considering mechanisms for canonising saints. The church said he would be their first veneration.

The committee went to work. To imagine that just “going into a fellow reverend’s churchyard unannounced” and later confessing is worth Shs530m, what more would suffice?
The Hall of Fame brand is not even worth Shs200m so to imagine that the preacher alone was grossing more, what more would spur the brand’s growth?

The student
Until the preacher struck, this Jinja lad had been on top of the inductees’ list. He simply texted a Woman MP and the next thing the lawmaker was weeping in court. The student’s boldness alone could make Moses Golola become the first man to run back into the womb.

When he texted “Sylvia, my Nshuti, I can’t wait to take you to Namboole,” Fifa got concerned and declared the stadium unfit to host World Cup qualifiers.
“Our stadium inspection report indicates that the student asked the MP to come and they cause eruptions in Namboole. This makes the stadium unsafe for Fifa engagements,” the men in Zurich wrote.

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Magogo’s explanation that the Namboole the student cited was just a rickety bed in Wabigalo parish near Masese was rejected.
The MP was too scared of the student’s possession that she couldn’t even campaign and lost her seat.
“We can’t imagine what would have happened had he succeeded,” the committee said.

Jerome the plumber
This man from Fort Portal last week came to Kampala to receive his Hall of Fame plaque but the committee had to disguise it as a transfer by his employer because he is the only son of his mother.

God made Jerome with a natural spear that he was putting to good use until another man came with a man-made spear. Jerome saw global warming right there.
The committee had tried to rename the Hall of Fame after Jerome, but when the matter was put to a vote, the proponents lost by split decision.

“He could have denied everything and claimed he was only there to do plumbing -- which was the case if you ignore the pun -- and that he had to undress because the bathroom was overflowing (which was also true, again, if you ignore the pun), but he chose to say he was the only son of his mother. That was something,” the committee said.

The professor
Before the recent talk of a celebrated professor turning the loan shark profession into ‘loan sack’ as he lent more and more to a sultry politician, there was this. A 26-year-old woman reported the Prof for entering her home at 2am, begging to sleep on a couch because it was raining (the real rain) only to graduate himself to the bedroom proper.

The result was pregnancy.
“The man uses a CV long enough to sustain 20 Ugandans on jobs,” the committee said, “but it seems that for every page of his CV, there is a Hall of Fame footnote.”

The CEO
As the lot of you welcomed 2019, the CEO was leaving his job. He had been exposed by his wife for turning a marketing manager into a hole-day package. They would go on a holiday and feast whole-day long in a hotel.
Another who made it to the list was a bank manager.

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