Beyoncé, Rihanna arrive to welcome New Year

Celebrated American boundary-pushing singer Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter and her Barbadian counterpart Robyn Rihanna Fenty arrived in the country last night to a glitzy welcome at Entebbe airport.

The duo was received by Hollywood A-Lister wannabe Sheilah Gashumba, who was in a fishnet leggings and racy-lacy black leather costume like the one Beyoncé wore to her 2013 Super Bowl halftime show. It was cold so Gash threw on her lingerie-like outfit an Owino-bought Burberry cropped jacket, another imitation of Beyonce’s outfit.

But the two idols Gash grew up watching, Beyoncé and RiRi, were dressed modestly. People come to Africa for its sun and although it was cold, it certainly wasn’t as cold for the two celebrities as Bel Air hood in Los Angeles.

Gash gushed on camera like she had been named Museveni’s honorary daughter, shrieking about how Beyoncé and RiRi were here because of her. She stopped short of claiming the American A-Listers had come to honour her kazigo (diastema).

“Gwe focus the camera well, yes… there, now Kaiyz can see level,” she shrieked. “This is reality, not Kigenya Agenya.”

Twenty-four hours earlier, Beyoncé and RiRi had met up with their managers to discuss the trip to Uganda. They had called on Kim Kardashian for this particular meeting because she has been here before.

“So which Africa is this You-You-Ganda? Is that what they call it?” Beyoncé asked.

“I guess you meant which part of Africa. And it’s Uganda, Bey. Uganda has lots of game animals, amazing place,” Kardashian said.

“I guess we need translators round the clock,” Rihanna said.

“Why?” Beyoncé and Kardashian asked simultaneously.

“I saw someone post on IG about us. Started in English then went into some gibberish that needs its own special colonisation to sort.”

“Ah, I saw that, it’s Lu… Lu… whatever, I gotta ask Kanye but the moment I call he will be asking for sex.”

The room was filled with mirth.

Beyoncé offered to call up Kanye and find out the language. After a brief exchange during which she seemed to admire her well-polished nails more than actually talk on the phone, she said she had got it.

“They are Lugandanians,” she announced.

“No, Lugandans,” Kardashian corrected.

“Whatever!” Rihanna said dismissively.

“Well, do these Lugandanians… I mean, Lugandans speak English or was that IG wannabe using Google translate that failed to nail some Lugandanian words?” Beyoncé asked before correcting herself again that she meant “Lugandan words.”

Kardashian dug into her experience during that 2018 visit with then bae Kanye West turned Ye. She spoke about the impeccable English she had heard spoken during her visit and how she was surprised to find herself dwarfed by almost everyone.

“Their president is very eccentric in a warm way,” she said. “He will ensure you guys are taken to visit the White House of theirs and take photos with his daughter, she’s this tall, oh!

“And then while at it, the president will regale you about cows and horns…”

“That’s sexual harassment!” Rihanna interrupted, her face red.

“Horns, of cows, like this,” Kardashian said, sticking her hands over her head to demonstrate.

Back in Kampala again, it is New Year’s Day. Sheilah Gashumba woke up like Kaiyz, Kasumba and Bad Black… or you and me. But she had hangover. She treated that and recalled how she fantasised about Beyoncé and Rihanna coming to Uganda at her wish.

She smiled, checked her nails and woke up her phone from its sleep mode – to join her in the reality that is 2023.

“Anyway, that Kaiyz of black and white TV era, he can never understand level. At least I was fantasising about Beyoncé and RiRi, which is better than sticking around Kigenya Agenya,” she said and immediately checked around to see if she had spoken too loudly and someone had overheard her.

It’s 2023, folks. Let’s all dream reality not fantasy. Have a most fulfilling and humbling 365 degrees ahead.