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Satire: Mzee hails heroes, abolishes army and police

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This year’s 43rd Heroes Day celebrations will be at Mpenja Church of Uganda Primary School playgrounds, Mpenja Sub-county, Gomba District. Theme: ‘Hail Our Heroes: A Secure Uganda Is Now Reality’”, announced a ruling party person.

This is nice because we missed last year’s 43rd Heroes Day celebrations and the ones before that, all of them stuck on the number 43 because there is No Change. 

That said, this year’s entre-perennial event is different. Mzee’s speech was also different. 

“Congratulations on reaching this 43rd anniversary of Heroes’ Day. To inform the Bazukulu, especially, our armed struggle started on the February 6, 1981. I recall it clearly; it was Bob Marley’s 36th birthday, and we were all feeling Irie!” he began. 

“The attack was partially successful because we were playing Bob’s music at full blast. At Kabamba Barracks quarter guard, all the government soldiers started dancing when they heard that reggae music.”

“Get up, stand up, stand up for your right

Get up, stand up, don’t give up the fight

Preacher man don’t tell me heaven is under the earth

I know you don’t know what life is really worth

It’s not all that glitter is gold and

Half the story has never been told

So now you see the light, ay

Stand up for your right. Come on…”

Mzee kept singing that Bob Marley song as he reminisced. The audience, meanwhile, watched in silence. 

“The government soldiers danced like nobody was watching and we attacked the Kabamba armoury. We, then, withdrew to the Kiboga area and came disarming police posts along the way. We got a good RPG – 7B at Isuunga Police Post in Bugangaizi and on the 7th, we disarmed the police stations at Bukomero, Busunju, Kassanda, Bukuya and Bukwiri of their chapattis and tea. This left the policemen furious because we deprived them of their Cha-party time,” he added. 

As the celebrations picked up pace, chimpanzees invaded the area. According to police, they were lost. 

They were looking for Gombe Stream National Park but wound up in Gomba. 

Anyway, since a secure Uganda is now a reality we no longer need security. That is why Mzee announced that he was demobilising the army.

Every soldier was to be discharged. So Uganda will have no standing army, like Liechtenstein. 

That country abolished its army in 1868 due to financial reasons and so relies on defence assistance provided by Austria and Switzerland.

We, Mzee said, would rely on Kenya and Tanzania.  At that point, Mzee also announced that the police force was also no longer necessary. 

So its registration plate numbers could go from UP (Uganda Police) to DOWN as in a lower level of intensity, volume, or activity.

The Opposition rejoiced as one upon hearing this, before it stormed the streets. However, as soon as they hit the streets, the army and police re-emerged. 

That’s because Mzee meant that Uganda was secure from the Opposition. So when it showed up, he gave it a reality check.

About NRM: The Nordic Resistance Movement (NRM) is a pan-Nordic neo-Nazi movement in the Nordic countries and a political party in Sweden. Terrorism expert Magnus Ranstorp has described the NRM as a terrorist organisation due to their aim of abolishing democracy.