SATIRE: Nawangwe must suspend Amanda for rejecting ‘chai’

Somewhere in Kampala, Amanda had a man cuffed and dumped into a dingy police cell. His crime? Offering the chairperson at the National Physical Planning Board cappuccino worth Shs3.5m.

Also somewhere in Kampala, Acholi MPs were demanding that government reinstates their facilitation entitlement for mourning Jacob Oulanyah.

Now, I can bet a kidney that if government had told these MPs that there was Shs2b inside the coffin, a special ritual would have been required to be performed to undo their sordid deeds as they clamoured to break open the coffin for that cash.

Yet here was Amanda refusing chai. Sure, I know Shs3.5m cannot even buy a duplicate of that foldable bicycle Amanda likes turning heads with as she rides downtown but listen.

One day, some cops picked me up in Kamuli zone in Kireka and accused me of defilement. Tucked under that dehumanising backseat, they drove me up to Coin on Jinja Road, all the time threatening to take me to Luzira if I did not help them to help me.

In the end, they took the only Shs3,500 I had on me. That is a whopping zero less of the stuff Amanda rejected. When I went to report the rogue cops at Police Professional Standards Unit in Ntinda, their boss told me some even took bribes of Shs1,000. That they keep picking small-small all day and by the time they retire to their home, they have enough to belch weird concoctions that distend the belly.

I don’t think Amanda is aware of that and I know some women are particular about the size of their belly when not pregnant but now that I have told Amanda that one by one makes a bundle, she owes me another round of coffee at Café Javas. 

How would you report to your ancestors and say you were a Ugandan after turning down Shs3.5m at a time ministers are begging to be on a birthday organising committee for no pay?

I don’t understand Amanda. When she walked over to my table as I struggled to gulp down this strong coffee and tipped me with some cash years ago as a token for finally meeting Kakira’s finest, I saw in her a very brilliant lady.

But now I feel utterly cheated. Appearance is deceptive, I swear. You can’t be riding a bicycle in this heat and turn down Shs3.5m that you could simply deposit at Coin as you wait for another small-small to top up and ride away in a battered but bettered Japanese toy.

Makerere needs to check Amanda’s head. You can’t be teaching at the “University of Science” and not understand science. 

For those who went to Kyambogo and are finding Science alien herein, that is the art of offering or receiving small-small in exchange for anything, from bedbug infested room in a hall to a meal card. Even marks.

Nawangwe is indefatigably renowned for swinging a suspension axe at Makerere. I’m hereby staking Shs3,500 as a bet on Nawangwe suspending Amanda for being a disgrace to Makerere and Uganda at large.

If Nawangwe doesn’t suspend Amanda, I will give that money to Amanda. It will be her transport the next time she comes to Jinja City so that she drops in at Kakira where I can help her learn that baisikili is a thing of the past. 

Anyway, maybe we can cut her some slack. Maybe Amanda just doesn’t want to attract robbers so she turned down that money out of such fear. 

In any case it would still be sad because Amanda really has my number – she could have asked the Iganga guy to deposit the money on 0782SEAMAN and this would have helped the many mothers vending ffene in Mpumudde as I would be buying everything daily until the cash ran out.