Satire: President to organise party for Bobi if he wins an Oscar 

Almost every Monday when Cabinet sits, there are new demands for supplementary budgets. Now I have learnt to keep quiet even when the president says Kasaija find money for this,” Kasaija loudly whispered.

If this man’s lamentations could fill a book, that book would be a chapter of biblical proportions. But let’s be fair, the dear minister wasn’t always like this. 

He used to smile a lot. You recall the days when, to Kasaija, the economy was “Phewwww” and birds lazily flew overhead with romantic intent. 

Those were the days, the minister said to himself. Sadly, those days are far removed from these bad old. 

Anyway, the president, a very well read man, recently came up with a solution to make sure Kasaija would, like Toni Braxton, Breathe Again. 

“Juvenal, the Roman poet of the late first and early 2nd Century AD, once coined the phrase ‘Bread and circuses’…are you aware of what this means, Kasaija?” the president asked the Phewwww-deprived minister.

“Has it got anything to do with Hot Loaf and the smiley emojjis on some of their cakes, sir?” Kasaija asked. 

Before he answered his minister’s question, the president looked derisively at Kasaija like he (Kasaija) was a talking long-horned cow wearing a NUP beret. 

The president slowly shook his head.

“No. Of course not! Hot Loaf was not there in ancient Rome…I even doubt it is in modern Rome!” he clarified. 

Then he added, “‘Bread and circuses’ refers to superficial appeasement. You feed people and make sure they make merry, then they will be distracted from thinking about how terrible the economy is doing. That is why we have more malls and bars than libraries and places for quiet reflection.”

“Oh,” Kasaija retorted. 

“Yes,” the president continued, “And in this same spirit…”

“You’re going to launch Bona Bagagawale Season Two?” Kasaija excitedly interrupted the president. 

“No!” the president fumed, giving Kasaija a look similar to the basilisk, the mythical reptile reputed to be a serpent king which caused death to those who looked into its eyes.

“I am talking about giving Bobi Wine a celebration party in case he wins an Oscar award in America,” the president smiled as he basked in the glow of his Eureka Moment. 

Now Kasaija understood. 

The nomination of Bobi Wine: The People’s President for Best Documentary Feature at the Oscars is a high watermark for a Ugandan film, earning global recognition from the Academy Awards. Filmed over five years, the documentary chronicles Bobi’s rise from the ghetto of Kamwokya to becoming a bankable musician who married a real-life Barbie. 

Then it captures his election to Parliament in 2017 and how he became not only the voice of a youth movement, but the face of the Opposition too.

“Museveni used to be my favourite revolutionary,” Bobi says in the documentary. “I would really love to have a frank and honest conversation with him.”

The president had secretly bought himself popcorn and watched the documentary which packs such a punch, it should be renamed a sock-u-mentary. 

What he saw made him realise that such a filmic assault on his presidency could be flipped and fashioned into another notch in his presidential belt. 

If Bobi wins the Oscar, the president realised, his regime could organise a massive celebration that would make Muhoozi’s 50th birthday party seem like a house of cards in a tornado. 

But he had one last question: where will the party be? 

“It will be at One Love Beach,” the president replied. “That way if they cheat us, we will call Will Smith and it will become One Slap Beach.”

And it was then that I heard a loud ring. My alarm was telling me to wake up from my dream. 

Massive celebration: What he saw made him realise that such a filmic assault on his presidency could be flipped and fashioned into another notch in his presidential belt. 
If Bobi wins the Oscar, the president realised, his regime could organise a massive celebration that would make Muhoozi’s 50th birthday party seem like a house of cards in a tornado.