Satire: Woman abandons ‘Kakwenza’s twins’ at police, demands child support

Police in Iganga are stuck with twins abandoned by a young woman who claims the babies were of novelist Kakwenza Rukirabashaija.

Ms Beyonce Shakira Nansinkombi, 22, reportedly told police that she had sired the twins, aged two months, with satirist Kakwenza.

“I met him [Kakwenza] on December 28, 2021, and I can’t forget that day because he promised to make me dream upside down,” Ms Nansikombi said in her statement.

Thereafter, the two had met twice, each time in a lodge called Watering Hole on the outskirts of Iganga Town. 

She said she initially contemplated filing sexual harassment and rape charges because Kakwenza repeatedly told her on phone to “come outskirts” [sic].

“I got pregnant, I cried, then told him. He said ‘okay, I’ll include that in my next book’. Just that,” she added.

Ms Nansikombi said Kakwenza has since not provided child support even as his own twins, both boys, are growing “scaringly taller each passing minute” [sic].

“He’s living well in Germany, gets big money, the dollars... He has to build a home for his twins and I want just Shs50m to take them to a good school. It’s the second term already,” she added.

Kakwenza has been living in Germany with his family after fleeing Uganda in February 2022 saying he was too tall to fit in any cars around town and that boda bodas complain that his height obstructs other motorists.

Earlier this week, the author of The Greedy Barbarian was subjected to pocket-bruising torture by Human Rights Foundation, who abducted and stuffed him in a sack of banknotes.

Kakwenza told this column that his abductors kept swearing at him, saying things like “Vaclav Havel International Prize for Dissent”.

“I thought being tortured in the dungeons by the Savage Avenger was the worst but the experience of being stuffed in a sack with Shs185m was a different level of torture,” he said.

Baffled police
But that was before Ms Nansikombi’s claims that have baffled police. Detectives attached to the Child and Family Protection Unit are trying to string together how the lanky writer could have been professing his love on December 28, 2021, in Iganga yet his lawyer Eron Kiiza has always claimed that the writer was in detention at the time.

A police officer familiar with the case told this column that when detectives quizzed Ms Nansikombi on the date, she excused herself to go to the washrooms and has not been seen or heard from since.

She reported the case this Wednesday, a day after news reports that Kakwenza had suffered financial bliss in Oslo, Norway.

A man who did not identify himself later rang the police to say Kakwenza must pay Shs50m for child support or “we shall reveal to the whole world why he loves women”.

Efforts to speak to Kakwenza were futile as at the time of writing this, he was still being held in Oslo by the Human Rights Foundation.

Disclaimer: This is a parody column