SUNDAY SATIRE: Boy appoints self Smack head prefect, abolishes suspension

The acronym ‘Smack’ in St Mary’s College Kisubi has nothing to do with the expressive verb or noun by the same spelling, the new head prefect has said.

Delivering his acceptance speech moments after he was unanimously appointed by the school board to lead the students’ interest, SKK Solokakya warned that any teacher or administrator at the Catholic-founded school who annoys a student will be subjected to social media stripping.

“Students have rights, big rights,” Solokakya said, jabbing a clenched fist in the air.

“I’ve restrained myself from ordering the school uniform to be changed to red because I want to give you all, especially that brother over there, time to reflect on your conduct and learn the essence of the ‘sapuli’ you dangle over your necks.”

With a smirk on his face, the new HP bragged that if he wanted the uniform changed, there would be enough social media approval to make even the Vatican endorse his wish.

The general assembly was full of grinning faces, with thunderous handclaps filling every pause by Solokakya. 

Sources who attended the assembly say the new head prefect also took a swipe at teachers he revealed have been spending their valuable time trying to find out what the SKK in his initials mean.

“Just teach. Right, teach. Isn’t that what you’re paid to do? Leave these things of trying to know me – or any student for that matter – better than my parents know me,” he reportedly said.

Ending his speech, the head prefect introduced the head teacher and called him up the rostrum to announce that he, Solokakya, would double as entertainment prefect.

The visibly shaken head teacher lumbered over and struggled to compose himself but he managed just well enough, sources said. He started off by profusely thanking the head prefect for saving his job “when the whole country had already condemned me.”

“I apologise from the bottom of my heart and promise that such things will not happen again,” the head teacher said. “We are indebted to our new head prefect for enlightening us on the fact that as teachers, our role today is to listen to you, our students, and your parents.”

Turning to the teachers, the HM said they must never be in that position where they wait until they find the walls of their homes painted with graffiti reading “maanya saizi yo” before they realise where they belong.

The head teacher also apologised for accepting financial donation from and being seen with “some people.” He said he had since been returning the money in instalments.

“I called him and said, ‘look, social media is unhappy and I must return your money even if you are an alumnus of this great school.’ He said fine, he would come for it, but I said no, social media won’t like it,” the HM narrated as students kept shouting ‘yes, yes people power.’

The head teacher announced that, going forward, the head prefect would put in place a policy to guide the contribution of the famous Smackoba fraternity to the school.

He also revealed that he had been summoned to the head prefect’s cubicle where “we had a lengthy meeting” in which it was agreed that no student would be punished by suspension going forward.

“Suspension is against the vision social media has for this great school so we can’t do it anymore,” he said at the imaginary acceptance speech, but did not go into the specifics of what punishment would replace the same for grave offences.