Six-pack, rich, good cook; What items are ticked on your checklist?

Before Emily accepts to go out on a date with any man, he must be a true definition of class and style - she won’t settle for less. For her, there is no way she will go out with a man who doesn’t match her dream potential partner. She says although it may be hard to find someone who matches her 10-point checklist, the person should at least have seven of the qualities.

“Anything less than that is compromising myself. But if he is stylish, classy, humorous and sustains a good conversation, then I can always find a way to deal with the other lacking things,” the university graduate says.
Like Emily, we all have an imagination of what we want our dream partner to look like. The picture may be inspired by movie characters or a successful lovely couple.

While some people may only stop at dreaming and fantasising, there are people who are devoted to keeping tabs on attaining this dream partner. They will keep a checklist, which is either written or memorised, referring to it or taking off something, at times adding, whenever they meet a new suitor or go on a date.

However, coming up with this list is usually a gradual process because as you advance, both in status, and needs, the list also keeps growing.

If two years ago one of the qualities on your list was a basic education level, one year down the road after attaining a master’s degree, you will find yourself changing from just education level, to at least degree holder.
I am the kind of person who keeps a checklist, but will only consider looking at it when I feel it’s probably time to get serious with this person. By the time I accept to go on a date with a man, I definitely know he is the kind of person whose company I will enjoy.

So, referring to my checklist on the first date, in a way ruins the whole thing even before it has begun because in my mind, I will expect to meet someone funny and charming.
Expendito Katante, who has been married for the last eight years, says he does not believe the checklist is essential when someone is looking to settle down.

“Before I met my wife, I wanted someone with specific qualities and truthfully, when I met her, she didn’t meet many of the qualities I wanted. But that did not stop me from falling in love with her. If you meet someone and you like them, it will feel right. If it’s actually right, that is what is important,” Katante says.

The businessman adds that what many don’t know is that this checklist is simply meant to create a glimpse into what exactly it is that you want, but it doesn’t symbolise anything in regards to who you eventually end up with.
Joy Nakabuye, a single mother, says checklists are unrealistic and a non-factor when choosing a possible suitor.
“Many of the items on this list are mere fantasies and are most times outrageous. How can you be looking for an educated man with a good job, yet you are not anywhere near stable in your own career?” she asks.

Nakabuye adds that the right way to do this would be to simply look for a person whom you are emotionally compatible with, someone you understand and can live with. At the end of the day, she adds, how you feel about this person is what matters most.

Looking beyond
Phoebe Luwum, a relationship coach, says drawing up a checklist is not a bad idea but how you draw it is where the problem arises.
“The key factor is knowing exactly what you want. The mistake most people make is not being able to know who they are,” Luwum says.

“When you don’t know yourself, you begin photoshopping, having things like a man with a Benz, or a wealthy man on your list. These things are not going to last forever.”
She cites the two levels of the mind; the surface level and the subconscious mind, and says most people focus on the surface level when choosing their partners.

“Things like I am Lucy and I am a banker are on the surface level. However, your main focus should be things in the subconscious mind. Know what your values in life and purpose are, then you will be likely to meet someone with the same values. Then you can grow together,” she says.
The subconscious mind, she adds, deals with emotions and this should be the bigger picture when you are choosing your partner.
The relationship coach advises that after knowing who you are, you then have to love yourself.

“Usually, if you carefully analyse your list, it portrays those things that you don’t accept about yourself. You are incomplete, so you will be looking for someone to come in and fill that gap. You want someone to come in and save you from loneliness,” she adds.

However, that is too much responsibility to put onto someone. You have to be complete within yourself in order to be happy.
Luwum points out that she didn’t have a conscious list on paper, but there were things that she wanted but many times she failed to find these in many of the relationships she was involved in.

“Personally, I wanted someone who works out, and you know that’s a very surface thing. However, the more spiritually and deeper I begun looking past this, I started wanting other things. And now I fell in love with someone who doesn’t even work out but it doesn’t bother me at all, and I would not exchange him for anything,” she says.
Usually, there is a subconscious part of you that wants something different. And most times, if you fail to know what this is, then it will work against you, in your relationships with others.

On what tips one can use when drawing up their checklist, Luwum says everyone is unique in their own way, elaborating that you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself.: “When you come from that point of not loving yourself, you will end up attracting people that tend to aggravate that thing in you.”

Whichever way you look at it, it is going to be hard to find someone who matches up to your list. So at the end of the day, the list will just act as a guideline to help you choose that special person, but will not entirely dictate who you end up with.

The key qualities
While doing this story, we carried out a survey asking 15 men and 15 women what featured on their checklists. Below are the top 10 qualities that stood out.

Men
Brainy 8
Appearance 7
Education 5
Morals 5
Sociable 4
Tribe 4
Religion 4
Loving 3
Understanding 3
God fearing 3
Women
God fearing 9
Appearance 8
Hardworking 8
Potential 7
Understanding 6
Smart (brainy) 4
Humor 3
Openness 3
Responsible 3
Financial status 3

One couple’s checklist story :Richard Kalyango, businessman

I met Sarah when I was still at campus, and we have been married for 13 years. On my checklist, I wanted a lady, mature, friendly, hardworking, well-mannered and comfortable with my background. My father had a farm, so I was always working there. I was worried that if I got a “corporate” as they are known today, we were bound to clash.

Truth be told, my wife did not match up to most of these qualities. For instance she was a bit lazy and during the first two years of our relationship, she never cooked for me and deep down I kept wondering if she knew how to cook. However, the most important thing was that the advantages outweighed the disadvantages. She was trustworthy, and good mannered.

A checklist is good, but sometimes you need to look out for only the important aspects and if the person has these key elements then I am sure the others can be overlooked.
Times have also changed. Most men today want women who are already established. They want a woman who is employed and can sustain herself so she does not have to depend on him. This is where problems arise, because now women are searching for men, not just for companionship, but also support.

Majority of the young men today also want to live lavish lives. You find someone who is still renting but drives a very expensive car. How is this person supposed to develop and grow?

If one chooses to keep a checklist, they should not make it the focus when choosing their partner. Just pick out two important aspects like trust and morals. You can work out the rest with time.

Sarah Zalwango Kalyango, doctor KCCA

I did not have a checklist. I was simply always out having fun with my friends, and I was open to meeting any new people. I did not really have the time to go ‘shopping’ around for the ideal man. When I met my husband we had an instant spark - I liked him and I focused on making it work.

I think checklists are mere fantasies. The truth is if I had drawn up a checklist and focused my energies on finding the ideal man, maybe I would not have married Richard. He is not exactly the kind of family man who can help around the kitchen and yet initially, I wanted a man who could help me with house chores. I believe when you meet someone and you like them, all you need is to simply focus on making it work, because eventually you can learn to love someone or fall in love with them. But you can’t force someone to change their character to suit your needs.

I wouldn’t advise someone to focus on their drawn up qualities. Many of these qualities, like looks and money can fade with time. So what happens when this person does not have the nice figure that you fell in love with? Do you leave them? Also, some people can be pretentious and make you believe they are fun but with time, their true colours start to show.

Checklists also lead to plastic relationships because in your mind, you imagine this man is wealthy, funny, and maybe a CEO in some big company. So when you’re shopping around, know that these qualities are not real, and someone can even fake them.

Counsellor’s take : Beatrice Kakembo, counsellor Inspirations Center
When you sit for an exam, you want to pass. And even when you want 100 per cent score, you will still pray to God to give you something average. So you will settle for whatever mark you get, as long as it is good.

In the same way, when you draw up your list, you want something good, because you are choosing to be with this person for the rest of your life. That is why it is important to have at least some things that are key. You can’t have it all, so ensure that when you draw up your list, you do not have impossible standards because you are being unrealistic by asking for too much.

The main focus here should be one’s background, which most people ignore, focusing on surface things. You need to know the kind of background your spouse comes from and the nurturing they went through. If someone grew up watching their father beat their mother, do not be surprised if you end up being beaten.

If you do not bother to find out things like these, you will be surprised when these traits start to come out. Whereas you may draw up your checklist, it is important, especially for the females, to revise it annually and have more realistic qualities.