Imaginary power

Sunday August 2 2020

 

By Stella Riunga

My beloved brethren,
Happy new month!
You know, I have always thought there is a good reason why I have never attained a position of power, serious power. I might just misuse it, especially the power to issue decrees and have people who decided to become thorns in the flesh thrown into a dark, unpleasant place where they can neither be seen nor heard.

If I did have that power, the first group to feel it would be houseflies. I would make it criminal for houseflies to be seen anywhere near people’s dwellings.

I would then appoint a whole division of police officers in nets to patrol the streets and rid us of these law-breaking pests.

They would either have to pay a hefty fine or submit to arrest, after which they would quietly ‘disappear’ while in their little holding cells. After all, how dare they buzz around and give others the impression of uncleanness? How mannerless!

Of course, in due time you would see less and less flies or they would become purely nocturnal, which is still a very positive outcome. Do I hear you saying it would be easier to keep the environment clean than spend all this energy arresting houseflies? Please mark yourself as an enemy of progress.

There are so many other things I would criminalise that there would not be enough days in the week to record them all.
For example, buying and selling of those gigantic speakers that I am told are called subwoofers—criminal. After all, the only fitting place for those subwoofers is at street-preaching events and outdoor concerts, and with the Coronavirus, neither of these are happening right now. Which means buying them could be seen as harbouring intent to organize public events and thus contravening social-distancing regulations.

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Even criminal plans are criminal!
Staring at people for no good reason, pronouncing ‘shepherd’ as ‘sheffad’, starting and ending meetings late, making long-winded and irrelevant speeches at social events…all would be criminal in my imaginary régime.

In fact, anyone proving to be a nuisance to his or her neighbours would be branded a criminal. Wouldn’t we all live happily ever after in such a world?

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