Can we confidently talk about farting?

Sunday August 11 2019

 

By Jacobs Seaman Odongo

A jolly friend called Karate is so obsessed with the human anatomy that you might think he is a consultant appendicitis surgeon. The other day I mistook him for Dr Stella Nyanzi’s invisible tongue.

Confirmed rumours from Old Lokodo is that Stella uses adjectives and diction from 2090 to tackle 2019 issues. Lokodo is not happy. Where Otafiire would say that his ghost would laugh at Stella, Lokodo is concerned that from such a future far ahead is being used to try and take the bread that Daddy Leo dishes out.

Anyway, someone tell Lokodo that guys have tried so many methods to remove the son of Kaguta from his sacrificial seat but nothing. Kony allegedly tried abductions and maiming, Itongwa hid in the cave, Jamil Mukulu looted pygmies and Lakwena turned into stones. Nothing.

Besigye has been running around for 20 years threatening to unleash tomatoes and curry powder and then the likes of Mao and Bwanika entangled in melon and pumpkin jabs. In came Bobi Wine using music as a pedestal to dislodge the spotted.

Despite all these, Kagame has opened the borders and turned focus on DR Congo, leaving us to imbibe the joke that Health ministry officials on a tour of an alleged hospital construction project were treated to Kagame-style blockade.

But for farting out loud, why can’t we get it? There is the tonic the Besigyes should unleash and reap the fruits.
Still doubt? In Kenya, proceedings at Homa Bay County Assembly in Kenya were temporarily suspended on Wednesday afternoon after one member farted during a heated debate. You have got accustomed to Stella Nyanzi’s diction, so this one should be baby formula. A fart would have sent the General scampering for the AC in his car. Problem solved.

The other day a traffic policewoman claimed she was assaulted. Video clips showed she was being roughed up by three mean-looking guards. She just wailed instead of releasing enough wind to send those people back into their car.

For years, we have heard politicians call out to Ugandans to take back their country. How do these chaps ask people who can’t even fart confidently in public to challenge armed self-entitled adversaries?

Imagine the joke of asking a guy who is afraid to exercise his biological rights to challenge guys with Sukhoi, and you ask what poking the Leopard’s nini means?

Every man is born brave but are let down by confidence or lack thereof. The result? Stifling fart yet going ‘peow’ would leave your body relaxed. If you can have two episodes in a taxi during traffic gridlock, KCCA would think of a way to keep traffic flowing without jams.
Here is the catch.

A 2014 study by Kalangala Institute for Social Research confirmed that fetid farts have the propensity to defuse tear gas effect. The study, led by GW Munyampo (PhD) used samples from 2,000 responds in Opposition activities.

“Ninety-eight per cent of the responds recalled that whenever doused in tear gas, they would release buckets of tears,” Dr Munyampo said in the foreword of the study that has since been adopted by the UN Agency for Special Gases and WHO.

The study, published in the Journal of Natural Gases, claims that if people deployed farting, it could repel anti-riot police and leave soldiers holding their nose, thus unable to operate guns.

“You can’t be charged with farting. MPs cannot pass such a law because they might be challenged to try it on the floor as proof that farting can overthrow a government of three decades,” added Munyampo’s co-researcher Dr Slow Wind.
The study warns that you shouldn’t try this at home or anywhere as no one will be liable for the beating or loss of job resulting from trying farting remedy at workplace or in restaurants.

editorial@ug.nationmedia.com

Advertisement