100 signs you are a planned kid in Uganda

Were you planned or not? Were you the kind of kid whom when your mother realised she was pregnant, your father panicked to formalise things? Were you that kid who was used to trap your dad? Or were you fully thought out and planned? They knew where you would go to school, there was no panic about your arrival, all matters were settled. Are there indicators that you are a planned kid? Or you are the kind whom they say, ‘then Moses happened…’?

If you are still reading on until this point, then I am glad to break your heart; ‘there is nothing like a planned kid in Uganda.’ There is just no way you can be planned and still live in Uganda.

What kind of planned kid would still have malaria on the list of their potential diseases? Planned kids have never seen a mosquito. But if you are the kind that has become an expert in mosquito eradication, have learnt about a mosquito net or those socket-plug-ins, then you do not belong to the planned category. We are in this together.  One may ask; ‘But what if I can afford to splash Shs1m on a night out?’ Doesn’t this qualify one to be a planned kid? Let us do some quick maths my friend, some quick maths. That is not even $300. If you still have the audacity to hustle for parking space in a Kampala bar, yours is just a better level of suffering, but surely not proof of being a planned kid. What business is a planned kid doing in Uganda? Philanthropy?

Forget those friends of yours who are always sharing plates of fries on their statuses. Because the quickest way to know you are not planned is if you are still excited by food. You are yet to arrive my friend. The fact that you got an iPhone and could splash some filters on your food does not make you planned, you are just on a higher level of poverty. You know, in Uganda, there are no rich people, just categories of poverty. We all keep jumping from one category to the next, none of us makes it out.

The problem is that everyone in Uganda is trying to escape from the lowest category to the next and everyone is doing it in the same style. Let us say it as it should be said, ‘everyone is stealing in Uganda, we are each just shouting at each other – gwe nga obye nnyo…’

But maybe some people could be planned. Like if you went to Kitovu or Namugongo. You could talk of some planning. Because you have something to brag about. But what else beyond that? Your university? The fact that you spent three or four years in Kikoni? The fact that you spent four years printing handouts in Banda? How unplanned could you be?

Or let’s suppose you have now landed some job in the city. But where are you living; in Najjera? Bulindo? Let us suppose you have even upgraded to a German car. But what is planned about that? Should we talk to your mechanic? Should we reveal that you have been postponing some repairs? Or is it because you have the DPC’s number that you think you are planned? Is it because last time while in a bar one of the SFC guys during the bar talk revealed some ‘inside’ information and now you think you are in the thing?

In Uganda, we are all unplanned kids. We are all just flexing with life. We have just become better at building perceptions. Thanks to social media, you can now become anything you want. You can re-write your story. How many businesses in this country have turned a profit? We are all looking for a chance to ‘eat’. And once we start eating, we are all looking for ways to disguise our eating and claim it is because of our great saving habits. The only thing you must give up for Ugandans are the miracles they perform on their salaries. We may not be the best of mathematicians, but we could give Jesus a run for his miracles.

None of us are planned in Uganda, perhaps Kasyate. Kasyate could be a planned kid. Only a planned kid could have the ability to sustain the corporate relations of this city. And he has done it well, that one must be planned. There are very few planned kids in this country, we do not even make 100 planned kids in this country. You could talk of our friend MKay, he is a planned kid that keeps unplanning himself. Beyond that, one would struggle to name a planned kid. It is much easier to know if you are unplanned than knowing if you are a planned kid. But maybe the President is trying to plan for us. At least, someone planned to have us trained on how to drink coffee. We are getting there. If we can learn how to order a double espresso, then soon we could be taught more skills. And slowly by slowly, we could find ourselves into the planned category. For now, the fact is, we are all unplanned Ugandans. Just that some are less unplanned than others!

Twitter: ortegatalks