Fear men, fear women more, but fear Uganda most…

What you need to know:

If Uganda were an animal, it would be a cat...

If not for fear... It is said fear breeds respect, or at least fear creates an environment where respect arises as a better alternative. Because the easier way to deal with the things you fear is to claim you respect them. Most of us, if not for fear, we would have no respect for most things. For this reason, the new generation in Uganda has decided to fear itself.

The women are fearing men (and rightly so), while the men are also fearing the women (even more rightly so). The only way for cooperation is to fear each other. For the first time, Ugandan relationships are being run like guerrilla operations. For guerrillas, the rule is clear, constant paranoia, constant alertness.

What else explains the booming DNA businesses? Every other business is struggling, but the business of ascertaining if one is responsible for the new genes. But then, shouldn’t ignorance be bliss? Shouldn’t it calm a soul to never have known the otherwise truth? Why on earth would you perform DNA on children aged above 18 years? Is it not the case of be careful what you are looking for, because one day you will find it. And that is life’s worst curse. To find the things we are looking for, and not be happy with what we found.

Happiness originates in bliss. What you do not know does not kill you. But again, what business do I have dictating what men and women should fear? If men want to fear women, let them if women want to fear men, then let them proceed. And as men and women of this great country fear each other, it is important that they do not forget to fear the country itself. In fact, the real thing to be feared is the great Uganda. There is only one test for insanity - the lack of fear for Uganda. You must not love Uganda, you must not respect Uganda, you must simply fear Uganda.

If Uganda were an animal, it would be a cat. It is unpredictable. The only predictable thing about Uganda is unpredictability. In the same week when we are trying to make sense of ‘assenting’ and words that relate to bills, you have a Pallaso skinning an Alien alive. Previously, this man was known as Lizard. You have a case of a Lizard and an alien (yes, the alien skin itself). You land in this country, and you will be wondering what business aliens must do in the country? Aliens have been encouraging the citizens to fear no danger. Goes against the first rule of surviving in this country, fear Uganda!

On the other hand, you have a man who picks inspiration for his songs from everywhere and nowhere. Because one day we are dealing with enyama then we wake up to okwepicha. Of course, we did not expect better from a man that goes by Gravity Omutujju. You cannot combine gravity and terrorist in one statement. A terrorist with gravity? The irony of the name will keep birthing all kinds of songs. If you want to predict Gravity’s next song, think of the weirdest combination. Think of Umeme and National water, think of them as one company.

Speaking of Umeme, this thing of metres. It is now a year since yours truly applied for a metre in Naalya and Nkokonjeru and there has been no response. What is so special about these metres? Are they made with nickel from DRC? Is it some titanium? It is only in Uganda where one must struggle to be compliant. Everything is designed to drive you towards non-compliance. The traffic officer will exaggerate the struggle of paying the police ticket and point you towards the better alternative, aka the instant payment, aka the chai, aka the tip. You know Ugandans have these cool names for bribes. You cannot accuse anyone of bribing another person. You will enter an office and the powers that be will ask; ‘Wasomye?’ Do not go all about with how you just completed your degree many years ago and it is now expired. Every Ugandan office is a class of its own and you are expected to show up with tuition. 

Again, still with fearing Uganda, do we ever exhaust a topic? Do we ever take anything to conclusion? Because in one week we have gone from Somalia to the infamous bill to Alien Skin and soon to Namugongo. Can we get someone to run the register of topics to discuss in this country? If this was a school, then the Ugandan syllabus is just on another level. There is no way we go from discussing the engineering at Katonga to the security in Somalia and finally to the space issues of Aliens and Gravity in the music industry. At this rate, we need to specialise. We need to dedicate certain people to specific topics. We can put Abryanz in charge of the President’s wardrobe and all matters of fashion for the President. We can decide that when it comes to topics around Bulindo, Nansana and Nkwacho, that Pallaso will handle those matters. Finally, when it comes to fearing women, we can appoint Samona to spearhead those efforts. But then, who will handle the topic of pastors? Mama Phina? We shall still arrive at one serious conclusion; just fear Uganda. The fear of Uganda is the beginning of all peace and wisdom.

Twitter: ortegatalks