How to beat a luseke and survive in Uganda

What you need to know:

Once again, there was a technical delay...

SCHOOLED: I have decided to make peace. I had planned to narrate my struggles with Uganda Airlines. Our love life had started off quite well. But as with all Ugandan relationships, the first moments are the best, the next ones will always school you.

My first delay with Uganda Airlines was in Nairobi, for a flight meant to take off at 10am, it only took off at 3pm. The reason code then was about a technical delay. I swallowed, after all, I was returning home. You can always suffer everything as long as you are returning home. But when you are departing, going to some other land, you do not want to suffer a flight delay.

And that is how Uganda Airlines schooled me again. The flight this time round was meant to take off at 8pm from Entebbe. Nga it clocks 8pm, no single word. Then murmurs, then rumours that it could be a three-hour delay, then the truth hit, the flight would only leave at 6am. Yes, once again, there was a technical delay. The night had its other stories, but let us reserve them for that point of a future delay. If one can find a way to board Uganda Airlines when it is already in the skies, that is the trick. Because once it hits the skies, it is the best of airlines on this route. You see the plan was not to bore you with my Uganda Airlines episodes, the plan was to prepare you for this coming festive season.

Since Uganda is about practicalities, a Ugandan must indeed learn practical skills. Not every skill is useful in Uganda. But some skills, will take you a long way. One of those skills is the art and science of beating a luseke. If we are to survive in these coming days, we must learn how to kukuba a luseke. Luseke was often common with the washing bays, where the kanaabes would siphon fuel from the clients’ cars. Then it became popular whenever fuel trucks happened to make stopovers. But in the current definition of luseke, it is the art and science of transferring money from a high-income source to a low-income source. The beaters of luseke are men and women like you and I. Once you learn how to beat a luseke, you only have to keep spotting potential sources and move with your luseke.

First, to beat a luseke, you must spot a potential luseke victim aka some big wig, some Dzaddy, some musummer, someone who has excess money but lacks something that you can provide. A luseke beater sells a service, it is the service of hype and praises. As a luseke beater, you must be a good hype man, you must be the self-appointed defender of the luseke victim. You must complement your victim even when it is unnecessary. A luseke beater is always laughing at the jokes of the ‘luseked.’ You know the kind of laughing like in the corporate world where you unmute to laugh at a boss’ joke on a zoom call.

You must never outshine the person you are beating a luseke. You must always have a basket of titles for that person. Think of titles such as manager, CEO, omugaga, owaffe, government official, you get the flow. Once you spot the potential person for the luseke, welcome them with big ululations, announce their CV to everyone present. Tell those lusaniya stories mbu if you have passed along Bulindo, the houses you see below that valley belong to him. The goal is to kukuba the luseke until the victim has been ‘kuwunzikad.’ It is also easier to beat a luseke in some place, a bar, a pork joint. Make sure the luseked person’s order is always delivered fast. Be the person that finds them the right parking spot where they are not worried about anything happening to their car. In fact, be the guy to park their car. Why should they struggle?

The process of beating a luseke involves some marination, you must recruit, marinate, then kukuba the luseke. The luseke is confirmed done once money transfers from the high income to the low income. Sometimes, the money may not transfer physically, it may come in form of a meal. Do not complain, for a bird in hand is worth more. The thing is to always have three potential targets at any one time. Do not invest in one high income, invest in many. It is with beating the luseke that we shall be able to move this year quickly into the next. A true Ugandan should always have luseke sures every month. Otherwise, this Kampala will be hard for you. Also remember when you are the person being beaten the luseke. If you see your friends checking on you suddenly, then they are preparing you for a luseke.

You see even our President some days ago made a luseke tour to United Arab Emirates. If the President of Uganda has become the Chief of Luseke, who are you? Gwe just beat your luseke osilike! But as you beat oluseke, do not kususa. Beat mpola mpola lest you create another Bryan White. Nga Kampala people showed him luseke.

CC: Uganda Luseke Council (Kasuku, Tamale M, Ssevo, Gashumba)

Twitter: ortegatalks