What you need to know:
All hail sponsors: If you have lived long enough, you learn certain rules. You learn that most of the rules are unwritten. Rules such as lawyers and Mercedes Benz. Lawyers will go bankrupt, struggling to own a Benz. But that is the rule of engagement. If you meet a lawyer without a Benz, is that even a lawyer? Just as it is with lawyers, there are some rules of engagement when it comes to sponsors.
But who is a sponsor? A sponsor, known by other names such as mpango wa kando, sugar baby, sugar dzaddy, is that one person who drains their pockets to prove that they can elevate your life. But Ugandans have one problem, they rarely know how to deal with the sponsors. With this economy, sponsors are becoming extinct. Sponsors are items of national importance. You never disrespect the sponsor. Sponsors run this system. Without sponsors, nothing can happen.
1. The sponsor’s jokes are always funny
The sponsor is the funniest of creatures. You must always laugh at the sponsor’s jokes. The sponsor is never boring. That is it. You cannot leave it. You must take it. If a sponsor makes a joke about your dress code, laugh out loud, praise the sponsor about their sense of humour. Anything to the contrary could cause the sponsor to turn off the taps. A sponsor is always funny. Sponsor and boredom are two worlds apart.
2. Sponsor’s choices are the best
If the sponsor insists that gin is the best drink, you must nod in approval. The sponsor has the best tastes. What business do you have disagreeing with the sponsor’s options?
If the sponsor insists that the best life is in Kileleshwa, you must always support the sponsor. If the sponsor thinks nyanya mbisi is the best type of rolex, so be it. The sponsor has earned their rights. If the sponsor thinks Nakudata is the best song in the world, simply dance to that song. The sponsor is never wrong in their choices.
3. The sponsor’s timing is the right one
If the sponsor is about to leave the bar, then you too must be in the same mood. If your sponsor thinks it is time to go to Bandali, then you must share the same mood. He who is being sponsored cannot afford to have their own timing.
If the sponsor decides that it is time to go to Najjera, then you must nod in agreement, and Najjera must be the next destination. Remember the rule; the sponsor is always right. The sponsor knows best. The sponsor is the most informed of all creatures.
4. Never compete for the same resources with the sponsor
If the sponsor desires something, you must always cede ground. If the sponsor wants a certain individual, your aim should be in ensuring the sponsor lands that individual. If there is one piece left on the lusaniya, then it belongs to the sponsor. The sponsor must always have the last laugh. If the cutlery is not enough, the sponsor takes priority. Those things of digging in the same spot on the lusaniya with the sponsor are abominable. In times of scarce resources, the sponsor’s interests must be fulfilled first.
5. When the sponsor dances, you must follow suit
Yes, when a sponsor loves Eddy Kenzo, you too, must love Eddy Kenzo. When a sponsor is dancing, you must share in the sponsor’s passions. In the presence of a sponsor, none of your passions matters, it is all about the sponsor. If the sponsor thinks ‘chai we njaye’ is the best thing in town, you must share the same thoughts. You never outshine the sponsor. If the sponsor falls, you too, must fall.
6. Never betray the sponsor
When a new sponsor comes around, do not switch sides. Always remember that your sponsor was around in the hard days. You must always pay allegiance to your sponsor. Even when a better sponsor comes around, you must feign ignorance. When your sponsor runs broke, continue to acknowledge the greatness of the former sponsor.
You cannot allow the new sponsor to splash money in the fort of your previous sponsor. If you were being sponsored in Kyanja, and a new sponsor comes around, take them to a new location. Never embarrass your sponsor. Never give the impression that you have moved on from your sponsor. Once a sponsor, always a sponsor.
7. Never pick feelings in the game of sponsorship
You are not alone. There are many of your kind that are being sponsored. Do not pick feelings. Accept that your sponsor will have many in the kingdom. There are many people being sponsored. When your sponsor finds new groups to sponsor, you should not take it personal.
Accept that just like them, you are another broke creature trying to find a life. Do not take it personal. You could wake up on Monday when your sponsor has adopted five other fellows, accept them into the group. The rule is one; “the sponsor is always right. The sponsor knows better.”