Tojikwata nyo brake: A memo to Ugandan graduates

Our Ugandan graduates, the mighty ones, the resilient ones, those that made it out of the crucible, this is to say ‘congratulations’. Now that you have graduated, there is no doubt you have been built for harder things. That you survived the retakes at university, the endless handouts, and even the roomie that made you sleep in a tree.

The world you are entering borders on even harder survival tactics. If you doubt, look within the names of Ugandan music artistes. You have the Alien Skins, Chameleones, and Gravity Omutujju, there is no peace where you are coming. It is a world of give me space. There is no door to open, but there are walls to break down.

As your uncle or aunt promised heaven on earth at that graduation party, consider it all lies. Your uncle does not have as much power at his workplace. He is also just projecting, everything in this country is aesthetics. You touch up here, touch up there, scare people, and bark more than you can bite. Go ahead and send them your CV, but you will soon learn ‘see what I can do’ really means ‘I cannot do anything’. Your uncle is not going to do anything. Your job, your breakthrough will probably come from a weak link.

Thus, show up for those random parties, some drunkard may spill some secrets. Show up for those rare trips, someone could put you in a coffee deal. Do not be absent from the scene until you have landed something. Go to Linkedin and claim something. Everyone there claims to be something. Ugandans on Linkedin have built nuclear reactors, others have built multi-dollar businesses. Until you find the same Ugandans on TikTok, and on Facebook. Things in this country are for drying yourself. Go back to your internship place and ask to be let in.

And prepare my dear graduates for all kinds of interviews. The psychos in the hiring departments never run out of interview tactics. Do not be surprised if you find a coffee cup placed on the floor. And then someone will announce that the goal of the interview was to see who picks up the cup and gets the boss coffee. Mbu that is how they measure initiative and drive. Yes, for those in sales, the same old age thing ‘sell me this pen’ will show up. Do not over ‘clever’ yourself in the interview. You may annoy people. This is the start of that moment, finding the thin line between being intelligent and being dumb. You must constantly surf this line for the rest of your work life.

Let me stop thinking that all of you want to do this corporate life. Because it is a degree of its own. This is the lecture your university forgot. There is a way to do corporate, there is a way not to do corporate. In corporate, your boss is always right. Before you reject your boss’ idea, you will have to first try it out, if it implodes, that is when your boss will have some sanity to listen. Prepare for a moment when people will take credit for your work. Prepare for dress- downs. Prepare to be taught ethics only to see the same ethics overlooked. Yes, everyone with a budget is eating! But if you see people eating, please go on like you did not notice. Talk mpola mpola. Find yourself a work husband or work wife as soon as possible. It will make corporate easier. Do not be too much of a loner. At least show up in spaces and get updated. Someone may put your ka-humble name on a restructuring paper or assign you to a department at the gate. But these will be lessons for another day. For the lawyers, do not forget the Kiyembe suits, do not forget the mattress in the law firms. Your latin will have some good use on these streets.

But for those joining the other world, the informal sector, the job creators’ sector, katandika butandisi. The movies in this sector are more adventurous. Prepare for a world where your university mates will frown upon your new title. As they each mention ‘manager’ at this ‘bank’, you will be mentioning ‘events executive’ at New Best Hotel. Life of ‘nekolera jange’ in Uganda is not as fancy. People will be biting you from time to time. You will do work and when time for payment comes, Ugandans will find a fault in the work. As much as possible, work with down payments and cash down. Do not work for exposure little ones. Exposure is on TikTok. What more exposure do you need?

Find a way to buy a car, by hook or crook. Forget about a plot of land in Kitukutwe. The most important thing in this country is a car. Ugandans respect the smell of petrol. You need a car. At least let them know you have one. You can go back to the boda boda but have some car around. Do not rush to build your pentagon. That said, everyone throwing advice at you is also still in ‘kweyiiya’ business. There are a few of us who have figured out a way. Every Ugandan is an unplanned hustler. We just put-up brave faces. As I said, everything is perceptions and aesthetics. Force it, until they believe it!  The potholes appreciate your degrees!  

Twitter: ortegatalks