Urgent communique to Uganda Girlfriends Association

MEN’S SUMMIT: Unless a child has broken a leg or the house has caught fire, we would appreciate it if the men at the summit are not interrupted with calls. If it can really wait, let it wait. While we are away, you can also decide whether we shall build a Pentagon or it should now be a Hexagon. But all in all, our women, tetujja kubaswaza.

RE: Upcoming Global Men’s Summit in Uganda

To our Equal Partners,

This should come as no surprise. As you are already aware, every year on February 14, the Uganda Boyfriends Association (UBA) organises a Men’s Conference. Following the success of the last editions, this year, Uganda was selected to host the Global Men’s Summit. This selection was also based on our ability to hold the NAM summit among others. We thus take this moment to bring you this great news and announce an extraordinary win for the country at large.

The purpose of this communique is to bring to your attention the changes in the duration for this year’s Men’s Conference that will be held in conjunction with the Global Men’s Summit. This year, the Men’s Summit will kick off on February 1 and will last the entire month. We thus ask that you start releasing your boyfriends and husbands ahead of those dates to enable successful preparations ahead of this summit.

We also take this moment to appreciate the patience and understanding you have demonstrated since the festive season. This has been witnessed when you allowed the men to also attend the NAM summit. We are glad to inform you that the delegates were amazed by a country whose people have wide-grins.

Some of you have written to make inquiries about the AFCON scenarios. It is indeed true that the President of Uganda gave an executive directive to all Ugandan men. The directive requires that we take the Ivory Coast Afcon as a benchmarking exercise. We do not wish to repeat any of the mistakes in Ivory Coast when East Africa’s time to host Afcon arrives. Again, we cannot do this benchmarking without your support.

Do not succumb to the pressure of the singles who claim that your boyfriends detest the home experience. On the contrary, all Ugandan boyfriends are homemakers. They desire to stay around home and work around the house, doing the chores. But we are in a moment where national duty has called. Afcon is a national duty and the men’s summit is a global duty. A time will come when men will surprise you with that breakfast in bed, some Swiss chocolates and a Chateaux Boudeaux. That time is not now. As the President has advised; “kino kyekisera kyetulina okulwana…” The struggle is still ongoing.

Use this time while the men are away to plant some banana stems in the potholes. Somebody rumoured that there are more potholes in Ugandan hearts than on the roads. While the men are away, use this time to explain why the babies only cry and scream when we choose to stay home. While the men are away, could you also explain the criteria you use when allocating places to keep home items. For example, why are the saucepans always stored down? Why do the forks keep reducing? Who came up with the theory of keeping keys under things? There is a lot you have to do while the men are away. Do not complain, understand that the men are taking a huge sacrifice to watch Afcon and thereafter travel to Arua for the men’s summit.

We have also received feedback that there needs to be transparency on what transpires at the men’s conference. Worry not, in the spirit of openness and transparency, we are sharing this year’s agenda without fear or shame. This is the programme of the 2024 Global Men’s Summit being held in Uganda.

Location: Arua

The choice of location has been dictated by the vibrancy of the Lugbara men. Especially the men from Oluwadri, men that eat in buckets not on plates. Arua is also the only place in Uganda where Rhumba still has a voice. The men have not lost the art of dancing.

Summit topics:

Topic One: The evolution of kisaati in Uganda

Dr. Albert, aka Kamanda, will present his seminal paper on the evolution of the kisaati. A panel will then deliberate on this paper. Olara Otunnu will be present to share his successes with the famous kisaati, while Besigye will share insights on the ki-jumper. On the same panel, Sudhir and Museveni will virtually log in and explain their own perspective to the kisaati. Thereafter, the music artiste Mun-G will show the artistic convergence of kisaati masaavu in amanyi mangi.

Topic Two: How the luseke can become a pipeline, perspectives of Oil and Gas in the Uganda economic breakthrough

Prof. Kasuku will present his latest research findings on the luseke problem. First, he will give a background of the luseke, take us through the literature review and the methodology he used in arriving at his conclusions. For example, what are the qualitative indicators of a potential luseke victim? The Tamale Mirundi family will provide insights on the demographic tensions amidst the luseke endeavours. Can father eat son? Thereafter a documentary will be presented to show men how to beat a luseke.

Topic Three: Emwanyi Terimba, Omulondo, Moringa, Kombucha, Cloves and the nexus of Agriculture and Artificial Intelligence

On this topic, men will debate the current obsession with cloves. And how all of a sudden the country jumped from okra to cloves. At this point, we shall be joined by Wanainchi Natif to show us the power of coffee and how emwanyi telimba in Uganda.

All these topics will have breakout sessions during the summit. You should thus prepare your Ugandan men with the requisite intelligence to dissect and make sense of these issues.

Feedback around inclusion of the women voices at the summit has also been taken. Thus for the first time ever, we shall have some women attending the conference this year. For this year’s summit, Winnie Nwagi will present a musical paper. Dr. Sheebah has also been invited. Pia Pounds, Lydia Jazmine, Kataleya and Kandle, and many others have all been invited and will be present at the summit.

Unless a child has broken a leg, or the house has caught fire, we would appreciate it if the men at the summit are not interrupted with phone calls. If it can really wait, let it wait. While we are away, you can also decide whether we shall build a Pentagon or it should now be a Hexagon. But all in all, our women, tetujja kubaswaza.

Signed

Ortega Ortega

Outgoing President of the Uganda Boyfriends Association

CC: Uganda Nalwewuuba Association, Najjera Players Association, Institute of the Side Arrangement

BCC: Uganda Police, Ministry of Gender

Addendum: Even the Boda guys have been summoned to the Summit. This is not the time for you to start plotting plan Bs. 

Twitter: ortegatalks