After slapping me, he is playing the victim card

My husband and I have been married for more than five years and have two children. We have had a good relationship and although we have conflicts just as any other couple. It is never that bad. However, the other day, while having an argument, he slapped me. He has totally refused to apologise and every time I bring up the topic, he says he slapped me because I annoyed him. This victim behaviour seems off and I do not know what to do next. Please help. Joan 

Dear Joan,

Everyone wants to have a healthy relationship, but some end up in a toxic one. Some can be even aggressive partners, who will give demeaning remarks, verbally abuse or withhold money. Sometimes they even control personal choices of food and fashion sense. These signs of an aggressive person shouldn’t be ignored if you want your mental health to be in check
It is unfortunate that your fights are now turning violent, going by what you have just described above. Domestic violence is never acceptable and your safety and well-being are of utmost importance. 

Conflict is indeed inevitable in a marriage relationship since you are two people with divergent views and ways of life. This would be healthy if the conflicts were later managed in a nonviolent manner. Slapping, kicking or any other form of inflicting physical pain is unacceptable as this can become a habit. 

It is important to hold a serious and honest conversation with your husband about the incident and its consequences. Could you let him know that his actions were unacceptable and caused you significant distress? 

It is possible that your partner is finding it difficult to accept his mistake either due to an ego problem or lack of skills in conflict management. Therefore, he has decided to instead resort to manipulative acts to make you feel guilty instead. Be firm, assertive and non-confrontational, and let him understand that slapping you shows he cannot self-regulate himself anymore. 

You will need to make a number of decisions and this involves the decision to forgive him and continue with the relationship. However, this decision should be made after considering your safety, well-being, and personal comfort. It is okay to consider your options and seek support from professionals who can help you make informed choices. 

 Reach out to a relationship counsellor, therapist, or a support organisation that specialises in domestic violence. They can provide you with guidance and emotional support to navigate your situation. 
Remember, violence is never justified and your safety should always be the top priority. 

Remember to also build your community. Banking on a community of your own can make you feel safe, help you to meet your needs, and feel healthy. Choose the size and type of people that make you feel good about yourselves. 
They can be your friend who accompanies you for a walk or a spiritual group, work friends or college friends.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation psychologist 

Reader advice

Take a stand
Nancy Julie. And again he will slap you if you annoy him because he knows there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. That is how it starts; with just a slap and then things get out of hand. Sort this before it becomes worse. Let your husband know you will not tolerate such behaviour and if he is not willing to change, then you will leave him.

Violence not the answer
Dmar Weder. I do not know about you, but if I were slapped, I would immediately leave his house, unless he comes up with a very convincing apology, with an agreement never to do it again. Violence should never be a justification for one’s anger. There are so many other amicable ways to solve marriage issues.

Keep an eye on him
Olivia Anyeko. Respect him and go on with doing your wifely duties, while monitoring his actions closely. Most men apologise in different ways, not verbally. He might decide to buy you gifts or start helping with house chores.

Do not resort to violence
Sophy Winfred Mukimba. Maybe he was nursing anger from his workplace and decided to take it out on you. Try to find out why he behaved so, if he rarely does it.  Otherwise, you can talk about it calmly, using a low tone to allow him share his thoughts. I hope you did not slap him back since fire does not calm fire.

To err is human
Phoebe Miriam. Majority of men find it hard to apologise. Just pray and continue being a good wife to him. Since you also admit that this was out of character, he will one day apologise and make things right. Continue loving your man. To err is human…

Is this the whole truth?
Richard Kalanda. You are just making a mountain out of a molehill. He has explained why he did it and I am sure he fills bad about it. Give him time to settle down and come back to his senses and then, he will apologise.  However, if you are not telling the truth and your husband has been violent for a while, then you must seek help or leave him at once.

Be careful as you wait
Mark Geraldinhe Saluvantus. My parents always told me that to have a successfulk marriage, sometimes you must pretend to be the fool. Since you say this was out of character for your husband, ignore him for now and wait for him to make things right. Violence should never be tolerated and if he does not change, then leave him.

Give the benefit of doubt
Martin Ssebyala. It seems your husband is going through something that he is not ready to talk to you about. I am not excusing violence but since it is the first time this is happening, maybe you should give him the benefit of doubt.

See a counsellor
Janet Mukisa. Since your husband is refuising to talk to you about the incidence, i suggest seeking help from a professional counsellor. Here, you will each be given a platform to discuss a way forward.