He kept his wife a secret

What you need to know:

If I ask for money, he creates an excuse yet I used to lend him money when he had lost his job months ago. So, I decided to use my friend to find out some information about him.

I have been in love with this man since last year. But he has started behaving strangely. Each time I say I want us to meet, he claims he is busy. If I ask for money, he creates an excuse yet I used to lend him money when he had lost his job months ago. So, I decided to use my friend to find out some information about him. My friend discovered that he has a wife but he has never told me about her. Should I go ahead and tell him that he is a cheat and leave him?


Dear Hanifah,

This sounds like a tough situation for you. Being in love with someone can be the most exciting experience yet at the same time, you can be disappointed by the one you love. Well, the red flags can be leading and enable you to make an informed decision about the situation. You can also try out the following steps:

 Think critically about what you want out of this relationship. Do you just want an explanation from him? Do you see a future with him, even if he is married? It is important to ponder about these and come up with self-guiding answers.

 Take into consideration how you want to confront him as well. Take note that this is a bit triggering and can take a toll on you emotionally. Take care of your feelings first because it is normal to get hurt in such a situation. You might go through a tough period of grieving the loss of a relationship, especially feelings of being betrayed by a person you loved.

 In case you decide to confront him, do it in a safe public space, maybe with a friend far off for support. Try to avoid any aggression since this does not correct someone’s behaviour but instead, makes them defensive.

 Take an evaluation of this relationship and find out the good and bad about it. You might be surprised at the end of it all to realise how toxic the relationship has been. Remember, you deserve to be treated better, with honesty and respect.

 You have no control over how another person decides to treat you in a relationship, you can only control how you decide to react. Sometimes, you need to teach people how to treat you by choosing to make healthy independent decisions in such a situation.

 In case you feel overwhelmed, please seek professional support from a therapist. You will be given a safe space to express your emotions and process healing. This can enable you to make an informed decision even if it means leaving him as you are not obligated to stay in a relationship built on lies.

An important part of the healing process is allowing yourself to feel whatever emotions come up for you. Feelings such as anger and sadness can be very uncomfortable. But, instead of pushing them down, find a way to express those emotions in a safe space. This might be your bedroom, a friend’s house or with a counsellor. Accepting these emotions and letting them out can give you a sense of relief.

Another thing to keep in mind is that the healing process is not linear. One day you might be feeling a lot better, but then the next day those difficult feelings might come up again. This is okay and it is a normal part of dealing with the type of grief that comes with being cheated on.

Reader advice

Change your behaviour

Denis Okello Odongo. Why stress yourself about a man who does not love you? There are a lot of men out there looking for wives. If you want a man to settle down with, then learn the roles of a wife. He knows all he can get from you is sex and nothing more. Do not expect any man to take you seriously when your behaviour does not warrant it.

Listen to your heart

Nyathi Nyathi. Listen to your heart but it might be better to feel the pain once and for all. Let him enjoy his life with his family; your man is looking for you while this man is holding you back. Go to the next bus stop. You will meet the man of your dreams. This man might have been using you to fix his unstable marriage.

Leave him

Martin Ssebyala. Quietly leave him and distance yourself by cutting off all communications. If need be, block him everywhere, including on social media. If he insists and finds you, then tell him off. Just live your life.

Do not forgive a liar

Mac JB Bukenya. There should be no room for lies and sneaking around. If he plays games and you find out, set him free. Concentrate on making your life better.

Try talking to him

Francis Manigaba. It is a pity how he is mistreating you. But remember, running away from the problem is not a solution. Try talking to him. When you fail to reconcile, leave him immediately.

Have a sit down with him

Ivan Akiiza. Kindly talk to that man and let him be the one to tell you the truth. In most cases, when you just separate without talking, the other party will blame failure of the relationship on you. Be honest and tell him you are disappointed by his actions and see what he has to say.

He is not your man

Sylvia Namono. That man is not yours because he already has a wife whom he has been cheating on. Ask God to heal your heart and make you forget what you had with him. Also, ask God to bring you a good man who will make you happy.

It is good you know

Stella Karabo. It is good you found out that he is married so just leave him alone. He was only using you since he did not have a job and now that he has, he is avoiding you which means he does not love you.

Do not break a family

Princess Irene Stars Aber. Although you did not know he was married, continuing with that relationship means you are contributing to destroying another woman’s family. Do you really want this on your conscience?

He will cheat on you too

Godfrey Metaloro Snr. Just know you are with the wrong person because if he can cheat on his wife with you, then he will also cheat on you with another person. Try to move on with your life.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation