How do I ask my wife-to-be if she is a virgin?

Dear Heart to Heart,

I am a 28-year-old man from a very traditional family. My parents have arranged my marriage to a 25-year-old woman who is the daughter of a family friend. I am a very shy person and never had any friends from the opposite sex. I am also still a virgin. To be honest, I have nothing against people who have a physical relationship before marriage but as my personal choice, I want to marry a virgin. Since our match was fixed by our parents, I have only met her twice. We talk on the phone and exchange messages frequently. She has a very charming and outgoing personality, which I admire. But I need to know if she is a virgin. How do I ask her? Anonymous

David woods. Sex and sexuality are merely one aspect of a potential marital relationship. Communication is a big cornerstone of a relationship and it is important that you be able to communicate and share with each other with ease. The way to approach this topic can involve broaching the topic of past relationships and then frankly asking about the topic of previous sexual experimentation. It is seen that having an honest and forthright approach is far more helpful instead of trying a more circular route to having such discussions as this would only make the other person feel judged. You have a personal preference for the type of partner you would like to be with and it would be only fair that you openly state your expectations as soon as possible instead of waiting for too long during which time there is a mutual attachment that both of you form with each other.

Natalie Lubega. Just ask about her previous relationships after sharing details about your previous relationship, then stating that you are still a virgin ask if she is. Also you can ask her about what she thinks is necessary in a relationship, and when she asks you the same you tell her that you value virginity. Now the question is when is the right time to ask her about it? I say the more virginity matters to you, the earlier you ask her about it from the time you two start dating or become more than friends. Ask her nicely and decently, and if she still gets angry or irritated it is not your fault. She should also respect and understand your relationship viewpoints as well.

Phoebe Miriam. Never agree to marry a woman you hardly know. That wedding date should be adjusted to give you time to acquaint yourself with her mannerisms, personality, likes and dislikes, ambition if any and yes, find out whether she is a virgin. You need to sit and talk to her so she can disclose her status to you in person. An arranged marriage may work but only if you are given time to fall and grow in love with your partner. Otherwise, marriage is a lifetime commitment and two people should never be rushed into it.

Asiimwe Abdulukadir. She might be a virgin but not the kind you want. She might not be a virgin but the woman of your dreams.
Virginity is not discipline since at one point you will also not be a virgin anymore. You need a woman your heart desires whether she is a virgin or not. If you love this woman, marry her whether she is a virgin or not.

Moses Earthe. My brother, being a virgin at 28 years was your choice. Do not look for virginity from other people. The most important thing is to marry a woman who is trustworthy and loves you with all her heart.

Jane Namukasa. The most worrying thing is that arranged marriages still happen today. The fact that you too never even meet to talk about your future is even worse. What will happen if you marry and then find that you cannot connect on any level even when it comes to sex? Since you know and have grown to love her, make time to meet and talk about a number of things including of course sex and the number of children you would want to have, among others.

David Nakabaale. You mention that you are shy and, fear to even talk to women. Dont you think this will affect your marriage? A man has to be bold and discuss a number of issues with the woman they intend to spend the rest of their lives with. So, be bold and sit your wife-to-be down and ask all these questions.

Eva Nakato. If you are honest with each other, then just ask her if she has ever been intimate with any of her past boyfriends. But I am wondering why this is so important. What if she isn’t? If you really love someone does what happened with someone in the past really matter now? Just think about it.

Lorra Namazzi. Why is virginity so important to you? Will it make you love her less if she has been with someone else? Will you treat her differently if she is not a virgin? Is this the deal breaker of your relationship--meaning if she has had sex with an ex-boyfriend you are going to dump her and move on? If this is the case, then ask the question and get it out of the way before you waste her time and yours.

Dorah Maria. It is good to have principles in life but it is not good to let them get in the way of your happiness. Decide what matters most to you.

Counsellor’s say
Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, counselling psychologist

Be open and ask

Dear Anonymous, not revealing many things before making a marriage commitment has led to many disappointments among married people. Maybe your partner also needs to know that you are a virgin. It is good that you already know what you want. Asking her an open question should not be hard for you.
You need to talk about real life things such as the number of children, where you will live after marriage but also for fear of HIV and many other sexually transmitted diseases, you need to be open and ask if she is a virgin because after marriage you may not get a genuine answer. It will be demoralising to her and you are likely to disorganise her emotionally and she will be disappointed.
Be free to speak your mind and even though you have given in to the pressure from your parents, you can still have a choice about who to marry. You can still find a virgin. You can also ask your parents to push the wedding date further or explain to them what kind of woman you want to marry.

Compiled by Beatrice Nakibuuka
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