Human vs machine: Who will win the battle of wives?

What you need to know:

A wife is more than just a warm body in your bed or a vessel by which you reproduce

In Greek mythology, there is a tale of Pygmalion, a king and sculptor who creates a statue with whom he falls in love. He prays that she may become alive and be released from the ivory in which he has carved her. He longed for her to become independent so that he could meet her as an equal rather than as her creator. And since no prayer goes unanswered even, God has finally released that statue through Elon Musk.

As a wife, you have by now probably heard the veiled threat cloaked as a joke about being replaced by a robot as soon as September. In three short months, men will finally be able to get that perfect mate they have searched for all their lives at an affordable price of Shs1.5m. Those unable to can probably raise the money through meetings that are traditionally organised to raise funds for weddings.

Unlike human wives, the prospective husband will be accorded an opportunity to participate in her creation. Finally, you can a have a colour ya Zari, figure ya Luzinda kind of woman. You can decide her temperament and level of intelligence and even determine how her menstruation cycle will run. As a wife who falls short of being the perfect mate just as other wives, I am excited at this technological marvel because once and for all, I will get the answer to that age old question of what men really want.

I also want to encourage all women who were beginning to get anxious about the competition that perhaps this will work in our favour. We have an opportunity to see what our men want and mould ourselves to that. And since we are more intelligent than the machine, we can surpass it by adding a human touch. Above all, the male species will finally get what they deserve; discovering how wanting their fantasies are.

All those things that men yearn for  such as the perfect figure, the bright complexion and demure demeanor can be tiring and irritating at worst and not compatible with daily lives. When a wife is faced with a challenge, they do not solve just that one but anticipate three more ahead and deal with those too. But with Ms Musk, men will be required to continually adjust her settings to suit every situation.

For instance, if you set your robot wife to quiet and still, you will need to adjust her to cheerful and entertaining when you receive guests. If you think you want a happy mate who is devoted to cheering you up, you will need to adjust her when you have had a terrible day at work and need to be left alone.

This is the kind of constant care I know will drive every man insane. On a human level, I feel sad that we seem to have stripped this most sacred of relationships of all its sanctity and now only focus on the base qualities. A wife is more than just a warm body in your bed or a vessel by which you reproduce. She is a mirror through which you can see a reflection of your own life.

You have probably heard it said that one who has a happy wife lives a happy life. A secure wife is an asset who helps widen your circle of influence by putting her useful connections at your disposal. She makes a home for your children and relatives and a sanctuary for you. But when you are one of those unwise men, yours will be the wife who hides in shadows at every family function. The one whose name people forget instantly since many are interested in those who can add value to their lives.

So, what social clout does Ms Musk come with? Will Siri and Alexa help her when your mother is bedridden and she needs someone who knows the specialist your mother badly needs? What about when you end up in Kitalya Prison where a “gamba nogu” arrangement is your only saviour? I cannot imagine how your beloved will navigate the system, short of calling on Terminator and Robocop, her grandparents.

If you think your wife is controlling and manipulative, go watch IRobot before swapping her for the lure of a controllable one. You will realise how unique and wonderful she is and how these qualities fill the gaps in your life. As the saying goes, ekitooke kifansalira.

Your love and support will determine whether you get a wife you want to return to at the end of the day or one who will turn you into the last man standing at your regular bar.