My husband does not want any more children

My husband and I have two children so far but I would like to have a third. However, when I got pregnant with our second baby, he was so disappointed and when I gave birth, he cautioned me against getting pregnant again. My biological clock is ticking and if I am to have a baby, I would love to do it now. How do I get my husband to entertain the idea of having one more child? 

Anonymous

Dear anonymous,

I can imagine the anxiety that you are going through as you try to convince your partner to have another child. It is common among couples to find that they have differing ideas on the number of children they would like to have. If not handled well, this can disrupt an otherwise good enough relationship.

It is true that our adult life decisions have a lot to do with what we saw during our childhood and as you mentioned above you seem to understand where your husband is coming from. At this level, you both have more to learn about each other’s inner worlds by shifting the conversation from what (What should we do?) to how (How are you feeling about parenthood?). This is where your own backgrounds and upbringings come in. Taking into consideration your differences is important because it enables you to understand things from your partner’s perspective and minimises playing the victim during a difficult decision.

 Open communication is imperative and crucial in solving conflicting ideas in a relationship. Know what you want before going into the conversation and also try to avoid any aggressive language. “Using ‘I feel’ instead of “you” statements during your conversation will help to minimise defensiveness and conflict as well,” A change of mind is not out of the question for some couples, so do not be too quick to write off a happy ending. “Do not assume ‘not now’ or ‘as of now, no’ means ‘never”. Without feeling that pressure, each person is able to absorb and explore both their own feelings and their partner’s feelings and this is the case from the male point of view. Remember, no one wants to be forced to do anything according to another person’s feelings.

 You may find a shift happen in one or both partners if neither feels they are being challenged or manipulated. When seeking only to better understand, a space opens up. This space may allow for some common ground to form.

Also, make sure your partner feels safe starting the discussion and is in the right frame of mind. Choosing to approach this after a fight, a hard day at home, or a rough workday only fuels resentment.

It is important to start a difficult conversation with, ‘I have something I would like to talk about and is now a good time?’ This gives your partner an opportunity to check in with themselves and their feelings.

Remember to spend time and acknowledge what is working well in the family and in the relationship. This is a form of gratitude and is good at reducing negative feelings. Gratitude, appreciation, and empathy for what you already have, is a vital first step before you can get something more or different.

However, when you hit the point where you are no longer able to discuss the topic respectfully, then get professional help.

Reader advice

Find common ground

Immy Ngabo. Marriage is not just about hanging with the one you love, doing the things you love. Having common interests is important, but being on the same page about lifestyle choices is critical to a successful marriage. This is a conversation you were supposed to have before getting married.

Offer support

Julie Nolty. It should not all be about you having more children. Show him that you can give a hand in bringing up those children financially or otherwise. He is one of the few men who want the best for their children, and thus giving birth to those he can look after.

Offer financial help

Edgar Butare. In your quest for a third child, have you also discussed with him who will pay school fees and other expenses? If you are not helping him financially then you have no right to demand anything. He is planning for his family and that is all he can handle for now.

Give him time

Micheal Hunks. Maybe he is still trying to find his footing financially, the reason why he does not want any more children. Children require a lot in terms of finances. So, if you are financially capable, assure him that you will help out whenever you can. If not, give him time to sort himself out.

Work as teammates

Margaret Kizza. What will help you move forward is to think of yourselves as teammates rather than opponents. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to agree with your perspective, you should work together to understand yourselves and each other better. Only then can you make a thoughtful decision about the path forward.

Examine your reasons

David Mukasa. As you discover more about your husband’s fears and desires, you can also examine yours more closely. Why have you always wanted three children? Is there something from your childhood, a sense of loneliness, of not having a tribe, that informs the intensity of your feelings? Examine whether you are demanding for a third child for the wrong reasons.

Jane Muwonge. You cannot live both lives, so inevitably there will be grief and perhaps an ache that lives on in each of you for the road not taken. Either path can make both of you happy, if you let it. Either path can also make both of you miserable, if you let it. The point is, whichever path you take, your happiness will depend far more on how you make this decision together than what the ultimate outcome is.

Evelyn is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation