My husband hid his bipolar personality disorder from me

My husband and I have been married for two years. During courtship, he would often have anger fits and then suddenly become the most loving man in the world. I often wondered what was wrong with him until a year into our marriage when I was two months pregnant, a relative of his said he had been diagnosed with bipolar five years before our marriage. One day in a fit of rage he slapped our baby on the back. I do not know what to do, especially knowing now that he hid the truth from me. Should I leave him? Please show me direction.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

It is unfortunate to discover important information about your husband while you are already committed and have a child together. Just know that you are not alone. Disclosure of mental illnesses is still so low in Uganda due to the stigma attached to it.  In Uganda and Africa at large, mental illness is only starting to gain importance and so, the stigma is not only personal but social as well.

The belief systems that attribute most mental health disorders to witchcraft also leave a lot to be desired. Many patients suffer alone and get worse, especially if they do not disclose their status to their significant others. Leaving your husband is a quick fix. You need to consider the child you have together and try all possible options before making a decision.

Now that you know about his illness, it is important to listen to yourself and find ways of forgiving your husband for hiding such a secret that affects the entire family. After coming to terms with this new information, find the most favourable time and in a non-confrontational way, speak to your husband and let him know how this made you feel.

Fortunately, bipolar is manageable both medically and psychologically. Many people live with bipolar and are able to work and have families. If your husband opens up to you and is remorseful about his behaviour, accept to be his treatment buddy. Encourage him to go to all his appointments and to take his medication faithfully. Usually, patients who adhere to their treatment routine cope better. They also rarely suffer attacks since they are self-aware and have a sound support system.

You too need to meet a psychiatrist or psychologist to educate you more about the disease and also get psychosocial support as the number one caretaker. You will also learn more information about bipolar disorder such that you know how to leave with a bipolar partner. You also need to have a couple of sessions as husband and wife to get more information about the disorder and how you can both cope and happily live together.

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Come up with a strategy

Josephine Mukasa. Talk about ways to problem-solve when issues come up, especially when he is stable. This lays the groundwork and expectations for what is mutually agreed upon as acceptable and helpful in moments when things escalate. For example, if you decide you need some brief alone time when your husband is having an episode, a prior conversation about that choice can help him know it is a coping strategy rather than not wanting to help him.

Deal with episodes

John Woods. Knowing what an episode looks like or what causes it may help prevent it or allow you to get help early. A depressive episode may have symptoms including depressed mood, feelings of sadness and hopelessness, loss of interest and pleasure in normal activities, insomnia or oversleeping, changes in appetite, and suicidal thoughts or actions. Visit online sources such  Mayo Clinic for more information about the disorder and how you can help your husband.

Patience is key

Jane Nabatta. Remember that if your spouse is having a mood episode, it is important to work against the symptoms rather than the person. Being patient and being conscious of what is happening and why helps you both. That patience also requires realising that hurtful words and him lashing out can also be part of the disorder.

Know what to do

Joan Nsokwa. It is critical to discuss what you will do during a serious episode, whether it is simply being there for support, calling a doctor, or even initiating a hospitalisation. After the episode the couple should have a conversation about what happened and why.

Help your husband

Phillip Ssenyomo. It is wrong that he hid it from you. When he is calm, take time to discuss with him what you should do as a couple to make sure that he gets the help he needs. If you decide to stay, then do not take it against him. Instead, concentrate on helping him. People with bipolar disorder can lead productive lives though they need more support than the average spouse.

Get medical help

Phoebe Miriam. Give him space and time to seek medical attention. Ensure he checks into a medical facility since this is the only way he will get medication and support he needs.

Stick to your vows

Joshua Kirungi. Why is it so easy nowadays for spouses to want to leave their marriages at the sign of adversity? Marriage is for life; for better for worse. Find ways of helping your hubby and trust me he will be the best man you will ever have.

Counselling will help

Patricia Essie. I will not advise you to leave since they say marriage is for better for worse. Seek counselling and look out for signs of onset of an episode so that you give him space during this time.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation