When I got pregnant, my boyfriend tried to poison me

What you need to know:

  • My boyfriend and I had been dating for close to three years when I got pregnant. When he learnt about my pregnancy, he became violent and asked me to abort, which I refused. He then tried to poison me but thankfully, my baby and I survived. After giving birth, I went to him for financial support and he told me to start a church and receive donations. I am scared to date again because I know most men do not want a woman who has another man’s child. What should I do? Christine

Dear Christine,

what a terrible situation you have had to go through in the name of love. It is unfortunate that the person you thought would be your future husband and father to your child has turned into a brutal person. First, this is a red flag in your relationship. Thank God you and your baby have survived death narrowly. However, there are a few things you need to face and accept.

One, accept that in pursuit of a future partner, you met the wrong one. You ought to take responsibility for it, and also grieve about it adequately. Then of course, a baby means you need extra finances and naturally, you expect the father to take care of this. Unfortunately, from what I have read in your question, I see a father who is not ready to take responsibility for looking after the baby he tried to poison as you said. It might be hard on you but this child is already here, innocent, and only a victim of circumstances.

My take would be that for now, brave yourself and start planning on how you will manage yourself and the baby financially. If support comes from another hand in the future, let it find you already set. I hope you shared the attempted murder case with the law enforcers in order for the perpetrator not to walk away scot-free while you remain in fear.

Remember, somehow, you will cross paths due to this baby, in case he changes his mind and claims his child. It will be hard for you to give references if you did not record at any police station. And then, there are child protection services at police and many humanitarian organisations that can help you approach this man to support the child.  Seek the necessary support from these. The other part is that you need to remember not to be so harsh to yourself. When we relate with people, depending on how long we have known them, we have no chance of predicting how they choose to treat us.

We only depend on what we see and hear from them as those form the ‘red flags’. It is the only way we realise we are with the wrong person. If it is a negotiable issue, we can always seek support to help the relationship go on.

However, if it involves violence and is life threatening, it is good for you to weigh and decide to either quit or stay in and keep risking. During such a time, you are right to think that no one will take up a woman with a child, however, after grieving, as mentioned earlier and seeking professional support or even joining a support group, you will be able to move on and start all over again.

It is possible to find such a man who might want you, even when you have a child. Right now, do first things first because if you just fill the gap, you might move with a fresh wound which will influence how you treat a possible suitor.

Be true to yourself and accept your situation and after completely healing move on in life but this time, with a more open mind about relationships.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation

Reader advice

Focus on yourself first

Carol Mukisa Cartnel. An attitude is a window through which one views life and it is what makes them. Irrespective of what has happened to you, just look into the mirror and the person you see is the one that is fighting you. People you date or your history does not determine your future. Your ex-boyfriend’s attitude showed you that he has no single love or kindness for your child. First accept your situation and move on. We have seen mothers of four children get suitors. Right now, what you should focus on is not how to get a partner but how to raise that child and also grow. The right one will come. All this will happen only and only when you accept your situation and move on.

Believe in yourself

Nampa Patience Natie. One man should not make you lose all hope entirely. Sorry about what you went through but please know that they are good people out there still. You deserve better. If you feel like dating, please go ahead and date someone. You need to first have that belief in yourself that there are still good people out there.

Focus on your child

Abigail Jones. I am sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve to be treated so badly. It is great to hear that you and your child survived. A good man, who is kind and caring, should not worry that you already have a child. First focus on looking after your child and healing for yourself and the rest will fall into place.

Get a job, be independent

Phoebe Miriam. Sorry about what happened. Take care of yourself and your baby. Look for a job and work, look good, doll up and develop new hobbies, make new friends and forget the past. There is a man out there for you.

Take your time

Nyakojo Donavan Alecs. I am sorry about what that man did to you and the doubt his behaviour has caused. However, do not doubt the fact that you are still a good person and love awaits.  Take your time and do not be in a hurry to date again.

Demand commitment

Brendah Martha. Try dating again but never get pregnant until he makes it official. If possible avoid getting intimate with him until marriage. But open your heart, there are good men out there.

Your child comes first

Judith Maama Emmanuellah. Do not rush into dating. Let the right man come your way. However, first concentrate on taking care of your child and making sure that they have all they need. Start dating when the child is old enough.

Not all men are the same

Bukenya Mac JB. Not all men are the same. Stay positive, your Mr Right will come along and when he does, he will accept you with your child and love you like no man ever did. Your past does not describe who you are and nobody should make you feel like you do not deserve the best in life. Being a bad father is his problem and he will answer for that in future.