My husband keeps calling me fat in front of our friends

My husband and I have been married for three years and last year, we welcomed our first child. Since then, I have gained a bit of weight and because of this, my husband uses every chance he gets to remind me that I am fat. But he only does this in the presence of all our friends. He is now forcing me to lose weight, always telling me not to eat this or that and exercise all the time. When I confront him about it, he says he is trying to encourage me to shed excess weight. This is taking a toll on my self-esteem and I am starting to hate myself. Isn’t this body shaming? What should I do? Juliet

Dear Juliet,

Thank you for taking the first step of sharing your feelings, which is a great step twards finding healing. Body shaming, name-calling and anything of the sort is disrespectful in a relationship or marriage. Marriage thrives best on good communication, respect, and love. When these three pillars are broken, the relationship starts to crumble.

 In their initial stages, most relationships thrive because during this time, partners start are mindful of what they say to their loved ones. However, as couples get used to each other, partners become more comfortable with one another and this is when in most cases, many start to think that it is okay to use negative language towards the person they profess to love most in the world.

At such a time, it is important to remember the reason you found each other, and that was love. Physical changes are constant at every stage of life. Some, such as weight gain are manageable whereas others, such as aging, are not.

 Assertively let your husband know that him continuing to fat shame you in the presence of your family and friends makes you feel disrespected and affects you and the relationship at large. In fact, he should be the one supporting you to keep a healthy body by encouraging you to work out or eat right. The difference is how the message is delivered (the tone and the intonation matter).

 When you fail to realise that this is emotional abuse, you end up letting his words affect your self-esteem with the end result being you hating yourself, just as you are doing now.

The power to believe or reject his negativity belongs to you. It is possible that speaking negatively about your image is his way of making himself feel superior or in control. Usually, hurting people hurt others.

 You may have gained post-pregnancy weight which is common with many mothers but with a conscious mind if it is your wish, after healing well, you can still lose the excess weight. This does not permit your husband to disgrace you whether in privacy or even in front of other people.

 Please talk about this in a non-confrontational way and help your husband see the difference between mockery and encouragement.

If you feel talking to him will be difficult, visit a marriage counsellor together. The counsellor will give you both space to speak freely and help you come to an amicable decision.

Reader advice

He should be supportive

Brendah Martha. It is important to keep in shape but it is a process that requires a lot of support and understanding from your husband. It is also different for everyone since some lose weight easily and others take time. He should be nicer and just advise you away from the prying eyes of your friends and family. He should also encourage you to work out by going with you for walks or to the gym.

Hecares about you

Harriet Mirembe. You are lucky to have such a husband because you get to know what he wants. Another will just keep quiet and maybe go and cheat on you. Others will just start avoiding you and the family and sometimes, even abandon their responsibilities. Thank God you have a man who cares.

Do it for yourself

Sarah Lwanyaga. It is body shaming but it would not hurt losing a little weight. Do it for yourself. I know it is hard to listen to the one person you love most in this world shame you like that. However, letting this get to you will only lead you to eat more and gain more weight. Use this fighting spirit to instead lose weight, not for him but yourself and your child.

Do it at your pace

Generous Nakie. Eat your food as long as you are health and do things that you are comfortable with. However, practice eating a healthy diet and normalise simple exercises such as walks with your baby within the neighbourhood. With time, the extra kilos will start dropping and you will feel much happier.

Talk to your husband

Mary Lamunu. Is he become a nutritionist to give advice on what you should or should not eat? Also, waiting to criticise you say in front of your friends is disrespectful. Keeping fit is a good idea but making it a daily song makes one just lose the motivation. Talk to him and let him know how his behaviour is affecting you.

Do not let it get to you

Victoria Mukisa. Try not to let the body shaming get to you. While it is never okay for someone to comment on your body, you have the ability to decide if you are going to let their negativity get to you. Remember, comments like that are usually more about the other person than they are about you, so do not give them the satisfaction of knowing that you are hurt by their comments.

Involve a counsellor

Janet Murungi. I think your husband genuinely cares about you and wants the best for you. However, his approach is wrong. in this case, other than letting this fester while you say nothing, have a word with him to let hin know how this words are affecting you and your self esteem. If he refuses to listen, involve a counsellor.

It is a process

John Woods. It is so hard fopr most women to lose weight especially after having a child. Your bosy is going through so many changes and this is what your husband must understand.

Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation