Can people with a similar personality succeed in love?

Andrew and Florence came to see me the other day over their wedding plans. They came to attend premarital counselling and seek advice in regard to the organisation of their introduction and wedding ceremonies. 

As we discussed the details, Florence reflectively asked me: “Michael, we are of the same personality type, do you think this marriage is going to work?” “Good question”, I responded. “I don’t have a straight answer for you right now, but I am going to research about it and I will get back to you. Actually, you have given me an idea for my next article,” And here it is. 

Andrew and Florence are two peas in a pod; they are active, extroverted, happy as lark fellows and love the life of the party. You could describe them as sanguine by personality or temperament. They met in church many years ago, became good friends, but life took them separate ways, only to meet three years later.

They want to be sure they will succeed at marriage. Florence’s question is intriguing as herself. So, I went digging. Personality comes from the Latin word persona. In the ancient world, persona was a theatrical mask won by an actor to portray a certain character or personality. 

Personality is the way someone thinks, acts, and relates with others. According to Fazeli, 2012, human behaviour is based on four temperaments associated with four body fluids; sanguine temperament (red blood from the heart), choleric temperament (yellow bile from the liver), phlegmatic temperament (white phlegm from the lungs), and melancholic temperament (black bile from the kidneys). 

Studies show that we like to relate with those who are like ourselves (homophily); like seeks like. What are the advantages, therefore, of homophily or marrying someone of a similar personality? 

Agreeableness
Couples of the same temperament see things through the same lenses and have less friction . Andrew would easily understand if Florence got a gig that would bring her back home after midnight. But agreeableness will not always come with similarity in temperament but maturity in communication and empathy.  Even if you are of different personalities--she is ice and you are fire--if you choose to agree on the basics, you are good to go. 

This chimes with a recent study in 2019 published in the Journal of Research in Personality, debunked an earlier belief that similarity in personality was the key to a happy relationship.  

Compatibility
Marriage requires compatibility or suitability. Compatibility does not mean 100 percent similarity. No one person is like another to that degree. 

We are all uniquely crafted. When this is not considered and a relationship is foisted on the couple by tradition, parents, or clergy, I can imagine how this will drain the relationship.  

How do you tell you are compatible? Well, it can be such a gamble and there is no magic bullet to get it right.  The kicker here is to study the person and not rush in anything before you are sure. At the very basic, you at least should share core values such as faith and world view. This is the foundation for marital stability and happiness. 

Intentionality
There are times when your resolve will be tested, your courage will be shaken, your beliefs will be questioned and your emotional resources will be depleted.  In the hindsight, you want to soldier on, put in an extra shift, and do the right thing, regardless of how you feel or what you want.  

No one builds a house or starts a business without counting the cost. In the same way, you must count the cost of marriage. One of the biggest decisions you will ever make is whom you will marry.  You cannot take such a decision lightly. 

When infatuation wanes and you no longer feel the butterflies, when the alcohol has evaporated and you can now see the person you chose clearly, when you have been wronged more times than you can count... you will need to look at that person you call your partner and still decide to love them.

Respect
I have seen the curse in Genesis 3:16 (“your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you”) play out in some marriages; the wife seeks to usurp the husband’s leadership authority, while the husband seeks to dominate his wife. 

The jostling for marital control can be through financial deprivation and manipulation, emotional withdrawals, sexual violations, verbal, and non-verbal abuse, akin to jungle law-survival for the fittest. Even with a similar temperament, a couple should respect each other.  

Optimism
 Some people are preoccupied with what will go wrong. Their “weather forecast” is always dark and gloomy. They are the half empty glass kind of people. And when things don’t go as planned, as they inevitably will at some point, they will jump ship to another relationship.

I am in no way advocating for someone to stay in a toxic relationship; there are no prizes for martyrdom to be won, but be aware that perfection this side of heaven (or hell) is nonexistent. 

In a nutshell, whether birds are of a feather or not, with some effort on the couple’s part, they can always fly together and farther.