Grow with your partner, lest you lose them to others

John has been married to Mary for 20 years. Mary gets up one day and draws the curtain on the marriage. “I am fed up. I am done here,” she opens up to her counsellor. “I have had enough,” she says with teary eyes. How did they get here? Let us start from here.  

Unmet or unrealistic expectations
Mary told her counsellor that she had hung in there for long thinking John’s income would increase. But 20 years on, there was no sign of improvement. Twenty years later, the situation is even worse. She began to slow burn, became contemptuous and resentful of him. 

“He is lazy, uncreative, and a spendthrift. Every project we start fails and he puts the blame on me. I have given him a break to see how he fares on his own.”

“Maybe I am the problem.” The counsellor carefully pressed: “What did you expect when you decided to get married to this person? Did you discuss finances? Did you have a financial plan for your family?” Mary needed time to think through these questions.     

Unresolved past issues
Every relationship has bumps. But to keep unresolved issues and allowing them to fester, will eventually skid the relationship to a halt. It is wise to resolve issues as and when they rise. Some are deep and require time, patience and understanding to draw them out and squarely face them.    

Lack of creativity
As people grow and age, they grow in their minds too. Some go back to school, others gain more knowledge through experience and so life is a continuous process of growth. Some people, however, do not grow with their partners. 
One partner makes so many strides ahead of their spouse that they get to a point that they cannot relate with them anymore. 
There is such a wide gap between them intellectually and sometimes emotionally. At the end of the day, one spouse may choose to find company in others of the same level and interests.  

Infidelity
You went in promising to be faithful to each other. Along the way, one partner engages in extramarital affairs. This can be hard to admit and get over. We have different coping mechanisms. Some people can handle such betrayal, others cannot. 

So they choose to dip out of the relationship or stay for the sake of the children and the name but their hearts move on. And many marriages are like that. Rather than grow towards each other they grow outwards from each other.  

Faulty foundations
You probably were young and didn’t take time to know each other when you met. Your thoughts and values were as thin as a rail but somehow you convinced yourself it will work. 

A child, two or four came along the way and now you are stuck in a rut. Or the other party cannot commit to the relationship like you. 

It has bothered you for long and after several years you are faced with the reality that it will never work. You have resigned yourself that this marriage will never get better. 

Domestic abuse and violence
Living with an abusive person is as hell as it can be. If you are getting a beating for every minor disagreement, you should consider quitting to safeguard your life. Wife battering is common in our society and the trauma it leaves on spouses physically and mentally is unimaginable. Some of it is caused by substance abuse such as alcohol and drugs use and can cloud someone’s judgment and give a false sense of self.  

Selfishness
 Marriage is supposed to be a place of sharing vulnerabilities. You are both “naked” with nothing to hide. Some couples, however, have never gotten to the point of sharing. 
They are selfish. You can attribute this to probably how they were raised or the fears they have about being open to another person. Selfishness also manifests in each partner failing to focus on the needs of the other, but excessively focusing on their own. 

Poor communication
When conflicts arise, how do you communicate with each other? Do you tear them into pieces with your words or are you gentle and forbearing? Are you willing to let go for the sake of peace and the relationship? 

Someone once said, “You can’t be right and married at the same time.” I have heard that the seventh and eigth years are the most difficult in marriage. Ther are the years when most couples choose to leave or stay. It is the years when most divorces occur. 

Couple counseling
Every marriage needs a counsellor. When you hit rock bottom, you need to talk to a third party who can help the couple see things from a neutral position. It can be pastor, an elder, a trusted friend, a marriage counsellor. 

Be intentional 
Just as you can be intentional about that job promotion or starting a business or raising children, you have got to invest time in making your marriage work. Agree with your spouse that divorce is not an option. Then start to work backwards, correcting issues that may have arisen to stifle your relationship. Take responsibility for failures.