Men view sex as a right while women believe it is a reward

Salome has been married to Robert for three years and the relationship is great except for one thing; he rapes her almost all the time. “We have never had it peaceful. It is always as if he is in a war situation. It does not matter if I am in my period or postpartum, he behaves like a dog on heat. I hate the whole act very much and I am thinking of quitting this marriage,” says Salome. 

Salome is not alone. Millions of women around the world suffer from marital or spousal rape, a form of gender-based violence because their men consider them sexual objects to satisfy their sexual whims at any and every time they desire. 

Also, imagine situations where the woman is not aroused due to stresses at work or home and she is not ready for intimacy, but the husband forces himself onto her. After childbirth, the woman needs at least six weeks to heal, but once discharged from the hospital with stitches and tears in genitalia, some men still insist on having intimacy with their partners.  

The European Institute For Gender Equality, describes marital rape as “non-consensual vaginal or oral penetration of the body of another person where the penetration is sexual, with any body part or with an object, as well as to any other non-consensual acts of a sexual nature, by a spouse or ex-spouse or by a former or current partner with whom a victim of rape is or has been living in a partnership recognized by the national law.  

While men and women are equal and enjoy legal protections before the Ugandan law in principle, it is different in practice. Women fear reporting cases of spousal rape for fear of retaliation from the men and society in general since they are considered the property of the husband when they get married. 

In the end, many women are silently suffering and some contract sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV/Aids, are broken emotionally and live through the dark tunnel of unprocessed trauma. With this in mind, what can be done to stop marital rape?  

Treatment
Women, especially in polygamous situations may need regular checkups for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) such as HIV and syphilis, Hepatitis B and pregnancy. In some cases, these women may require treatment for genital injuries (bruises, scratches, wounds, and tears).

Dr Joseph Mutyaba, a resident in Family Medicine and Community Practice at Makerere University and doctor at Lifelink Hospital in Namugongo, women are given post-exposure prophylaxis treatment or  healthcare measures to prevent diseases. “After HIV testing is done, we give emergency contraception within three days after rape to prevent the risk of unwanted pregnancy. In cases where the woman becomes pregnant and there are risks of mother-to-child transmission of STDs, there are tests in antenatal care that are needed for the safety of the fetus.

So, we do blood group checks of the couple, take precautions in case of mother being is negative and father is positive, blood glucose tests to rule out diabetes, and others,” he says.  In some cases, women may suffer mental and emotional issues such as trauma, anxiety and stress and later may report some sexual dysfunction such as disorders with orgasms, sexual arousal disturbances, pain during intercourse, or lack of sexual pleasure.   

Care and counselling
A husband may have a high libido while his wife may have a low libido. In such a case, the wife might not meet the demands of the man and every sexual attempt a man makes might be misinterpreted to be rape. In other cases, some women view sex as a reward (“I give you sex because you have done something good for me”) while some men view sex as a right (“I must have it whether I have done something good for you or not”). 

Failure to resolve this contradiction in views will most likely lead to rape. In other cases, a woman whose previous relationships were characterised by rape and never processed the trauma, could be predisposed to thinking that sex means rape. Then some women are raped in marriage. All these cases need counselling.

Faith Nakalema, a counseling psychologist at Olive Fountain, suggests, “premarital counselling is necessary where topics such as sex are discussed by the couple. Sex is both physical and psychological; meaning that both the body and mind need to be prepared for the event. The couple needs to communicate with each other as often as they can regarding their feelings.  Do not expect your partner to read your mind. If you are hurting, speak up.”   

Sex education for men
What can be learnt can be unlearnt. Some men have no clue about how to handle a woman intimately, yet they are expected to take the lead. Men need to be taught that a woman takes time to be aroused and this demands patience on his part with good foreplay. In some cases, vaginal gels for dry situations may need to be used, and if she is stressed from work or home situations, it is okay to give her time to recuperate. 

The goal is to have men appreciate that good intimacy is not about domination, but celebration within the context of sharing and mutual respect and that nonconsensual sex is the farthest thing from that ideal. The Bible puts it clearly: “Husbands, in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” (1 Peter 3:7). 

Fight offensive customary practice
Practices such as abducting girls for marriage and forcing them to have sex with arranged marriage partners should not be acceptable in this day and age, especially when Uganda is a signatory to various international conventions that protect women and girls.  Rather, practices that value the consent of woman or wife in marriage, values that promote equity and dignity for all, should be advocated for, says Joseph Okia, a lawyer in Kampala.

Marital rape violates another person’s free will and consent and should not be happening. But because culture still holds it up there, we should take the courage to ditch them in preference to treating our human beings with equality, humanness and justice.  

Arousal takes time

Mental preparation is key
Sex is both physical and psychological. Meaning that both the body and mind need to be prepared for the game.  Men need to be taught that a woman takes time to be aroused and this demands patience on his part with good foreplay. And if a woman is stressed from work, emotional stuff or home situations, it is okay to give her time to recuperate.