The 11 commandments of good parenting for 2023

As the year came to an end, I was reflecting deeply about how to improve my parenting this New Year. I have made mistakes I do not want to repeat. I have said things I want to take back. I am still in the trenches, but I believe there is hope for you and I.

The New Year brings us opportunities for change and growth and here are some of the parenting commandments that may renew a sense of purpose and direction for your children.   

Thou shall not think of thyself as God

The idea that a parent is a god to the child on earth is false. There is only one God and we know where to find Him. As a parent, you are only a steward of the children in your care. Children belong to God and He has a purpose and plan for each one of them. This requires you to take instructions from God about their future. The Bible and prayer are my places to go for that. How often? Everyday.      

Thou shall keep thy cool

A parent who has no control over themselves cannot have respect from their children. Shouting, hitting and slapping children aggressively and such treatment in the name of discipline only create a toxic environment that is not conducive for raising children.

It has been studied that children who grow up in such environments often end up angry and will likely be abusers of their children and spouses in the future. A parent, therefore, must make their home a safe space where discipline is meant to correct than harm the child. 

Thou shall respect thy children

My wife and I sometimes find it hard to accept that one of our children is a picky eater and one does not like Matooke at all. Picking on the picky eater and making life miserable for them is not worth it.

They are individuals with choices and it is okay for them not to like their mother’s favourite food. They should be respected. Preparing an alternative meal for them should not be hardwork, if it guarantees us peace in the house.      

Thou shall spend time with family

 This is a hard one for most parents. To find time to spend with your children, especially in the first 10 years of their life amidst this hassle and bustle is tough, but we must force ourselves into some kind of routine. On this one, we are short of choices. Great children are not born, they are raised. And you can only raise them when you spend time with them. It starts with intentionality and then planning. The beauty of it is that in the long run, it creates parent-child bonding and influences most of their choices, later in their adult life.    

Thou shall love thy spouse

Children find security in the knowledge that their parents love each other. Parents need to first love each other before they can love their children, after all that is where it all started.

A home where parents are always fighting and arguing with each other or where parents are separated or divorced impacts children negatively. Marriage, therefore, is the priority of any couple before they fix parenting.   

Thou shall model thy children

 “Do what I say but not what I do” does not apply in parenting. Children are keen observers. They copy and paste from their parents most of the time, especially if they are still very young. A parent, therefore, should demonstrate consistent character.

You cannot hide behind the curtain of “I am your father” and say one thing and do another. It will confuse children. If you lay down family rules, you and the rest of the family need to collectively abide by them. Children learn better with a predictable structure.        

Thou shall teach thy children

Virtue counteracts vice. Teaching children cannot be left to the government, church, school or neighbours. These have their place and it is secondary. The primary place of teaching a child is their parent. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it (Proverbs 22:6) is a common nugget for parents, but the latent wisdom therein is that a parent must train their child in the way they should go or they will not go there.

A mother principally teaches by kindness and wisdom while a father teaches by instruction and discipline. All this is done in a non-formal educational environment, in an age-appropriate way and done consistently over time. Personal and societal values are first taught and caught at home.  

Thou shall set boundaries

Boundaries help “let good things in and keep bad things out” according to Boundaries, a book series by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. You cannot allow every cultural, media, and trending influence to reign in your home. There must be standards to what is acceptable and abhorred in your home. And since trends keep changing, parents need to keep abreast with what is profitable, so they allow it and what is harmful to their children can be stopped.  

Thou shall allow time to grow

 It is common for parents to feel guilty when they blow it, but parenting is a learning process. My blunders as a parent can easily qualify for the Guinness World Book of Records, but I take them in stride. I keep learning from every mistake and try to better myself next time. Parenting usually comes with no manuals, so we learn on the job.  

Thou shall not compare children

Children are different. Parents are different. Circumstances are different. Each family is unique in its own way. There is no one-size-fits-all. Yes, we can learn from others, but to compare and contrast is dangerous. Rather, we are aware of who we are and what we are capable of and use that to be better ourselves. It is healthy for our minds and bodies to think this way.