What makes a mother hate her own child?

On October 2, Wanja Kavengi, authored a missile introspective post on her Facebook timeline about her motherhood experience.

The beginning part of the post reads, “I have never established a connection with my son. I was depressed throughout his pregnancy; I didn’t want him. I was depressed after his birth; I didn’t want him. I was depressed while raising him; I didn’t want him.”

Part of the post continues to read that, “He felt like a bother, like a burden, like an unwanted guest in my house, a painful thorn under my sole. I wasn’t able to love him like a parent. I created emotional distance between us and never offered him compassion and warmth. I shouted at him all the time. I refused to understand him. I was cold. I neglected and never prioritised him…”

The post attracted a lot of commentary including criticism, judgment, concerns and even threats.

“What kind of mother does not love her own biological child? Is that even humanly possible?” one wondered.

Another critic, probably out of disgust, said the story was fake and that its author was only interested in driving traffic to her page.

But whether the story is made up or not, Kavengi raised an interesting debate (which most people even consider a taboo to discuss in society). Is it possible for a mother to hate her own child?

Another mother speaks out…

A mother of two boys aged two and four years, who preferred to be identified only by her surname, Kizza, says the lack of bond between some mothers and their children is real.

“Some people live in denial but these things actually happen. For some mothers, they are not comfortable publically speaking out on such sensitive matters for fear of being judged by members of the court of public opinion,” Kizza says.

Kizza says although there is nothing like a mother’s love, there was a particular point in time after having her last born when she was not thrilled about being a mother.

“My body changed so much after having my second son. Besides the ceaserian scar, I had stretch marks all over my belly and I had put on so much amount of weight. There were moments I would look at my baby boy, break down in tears and say you caused all this,” Kizza says.

Is motherhood worth it?

In addition, Kizza says the sacrifices she made for the sake of her sons made her question if motherhood was all worth it at the end of the day.

“I have missed out on lucrative job offers and academic scholarships because of being a mother. I remember a time being awarded a scholarship to study a Masters programme in Germany but I ended up forfeiting the opportunity because then, I was in the earlier stages of pregnancy with now my second son,” she says. With this cocktail of issues, Kizza fell into depression. Not only did she want nothing to do with the baby but also, she stopped caring about herself. It took the intervention of her husband to turn things around for Kizza.

Eventually, Kizza got better and today, she proudly credits her husband’s overwhelming support for helping her rekindle the love for her sons, especially the youngest.

Postpartum depression

Sometimes, lack of bond between a mother and child (specifically babies) may be as a result of postpartum depression, says Dr Henry Kiwanuka, an obstetrician. Postpartum depression is a term coined for the baby blues some women experience after child birth.

“There are different factors that may spark off depression after a woman has given birth. For some women, it may be because of change in their body hormones while for others, it may be as a result of failing to easily adjust to their new life after the baby comes into the picture.” Dr Kiwanuka says.

Some of the signs and symptoms of postpartum depression include severe anxiety, mood swings, crying, irritability, restlessness, withdrawing from other loved ones, and recurrent thoughts to either harm oneself or the baby, among other signs.

 “If you are the husband, for instance, find ways to counsel your wife. In case you are not able to, involve other trusted family members. Support from loved ones helps new mothers to adjust easily to their new life,” says Kiwanuka.

If caution is thrown to the wind and a mother suffering postpartum depression is not helped in time, Kiwanuka warns the situation can easily spill out of control to the extent that the mother may end up either harming herself or the baby.

According to statistics from the World Health Organisation (WHO) on maternal mental health, worldwide, about 10 per cent of pregnant women and 13 per cent of women who have just given birth, experience a mental disorder, primarily depression.

In developing countries, the numbers are even higher, about 15 per cent during pregnancy and 20 per cent after child birth. In severe cases, a mother’s suffering might be so severe that she may even commit suicide.

In addition, the affected mother may not even function properly and as a result, their child’s growth and development may also be affected. But maternal mental disorders are treatable.

Counsellor’s view

Ali Male, a counselling psychologist with A-Z Professional Counselling and Support Centre, says sometimes a mother loathes her own child due to a bad relationship she had with their father.

“It could be that the relationship the mother had with the child’s father was traumatising and now, she is associating the pain with her offspring,” Male says.

But Male emphasises that children should never be made to pay for the mistakes of their parents.

Bernadette Nalwoga, a counsellor, says a woman disliking her own child may depend on circumstances under which the mother was raised.

“If a woman was raised in a broken family, probably where her parents were abusive, chances are high that she will raise her children in the same manner,” she says.

Sometimes, it may be because the mother is undergoing some personal struggles that spiral into depressed. For example, such a mother may be sick or has lost a job and is struggling to take care of the child. For some mothers, the dislike maybe as a result of the child failing to project the image of that perfect child the parent wants them to be.

Nalwoga adds that if a mother notices brewing tension between them and their child, they should find ways of addressing the underlying issues before it is too late. 

Do this...

Counsellor

From time to time, tell your child how much you love them. And when they do something remarkable, mention how much you are proud of them. This boosts their confidence.       Hug them especially during their moments of distress. It warms their little hearts.           Instead of criticising your child for their mistakes, correct them in private.            And when you wrong them, say sorry.           Spend more time together. Do chores such as cleaning or washing utensils together. This strengthens the bond.