Walking a tightrope dating single mum

Misery is trying to win over a 13- year-old boy who hated your name before he even saw your face. It is trying to talk to the little man to create some sort of bond only for your words to disappear into thin air without receiving the honour of a response because this boy thinks he would have a better experience being lost somewhere in a forest than listening to your ‘wretched’ voice!

This is the kind of misery Chris*, a best friend of my cousin Kenny, is facing. He is dating a beautiful single mother of two, a 13-year-old boy and a girl who is about seven. Chris, perhaps 26, a well-adjusted man—likes to remove his cap before exchanging greetings. The grapevine suggests he is younger than the woman. But this is love, and as urbanites so often ask, what’s age got to do with it?

Dilemma
Chris is in love, and he could be happy. He should be. There is one problem though; the woman’s children. Okay, the girl is not troublesome. She didn’t like him in the beginning. But a few weeks down the road, she is a darling. A few trips to the ice cream parlour do magic.
Unfortunately for Chris, ice cream does not move the 13-year-old. He does not speak, not to Chris and not even to his mother.
Anyway, these two lovebirds are not exactly having a good time because the boy will not let them. According to Kenny, Chris is often telling his girlfriend (the boy’s mother) to talk to her son. The mother is always arguing with the boy to respect Chris. And the more she does this is the more the boy wants to prove a point; that Chris is just an intruder.

Chris is trying to make it work with the boy because he knows how much this means to the mum. She wants the two to get along. In fact Chris knows that he has to get along with this boy if he is to stand any chance of a future with this woman.
This is the kind of mess some men find themselves in when they decide to build a relationship with a single mother. Dating a single mother dilemma requires patience and cautiousness. This is because there are a number of things a man should brace himself for as he heads down single-mother street.

The children
How the children receive you will depend on their age, and how long they have known you. But 90 per cent of the time her children will hate you, at least for the start. So the first battle you should prepare for is that of bringing them to your team because, in case you don’t know, how well her children like you is the top relationship compatibility measure to a single mother. So how do you win them over? Be nice, but not too nice. You don’t have to start buying them new shoes and toys and taking them to the zoo all the time, especially if they are about 12. They will know you are trying to buy into their space and perhaps to replace their daddy. Just act normal. Be free and let them slowly come around.

The baby daddy
Chances are the children have a father. He may be the type who likes to come by. He may be hated by their mum (your woman) because he left her for some other woman. But he is their dad and wants to be a part of their life. Bear with him.

Not many sleep-overs
Some single mothers will allow you to sleep at their place. But this comes after many months or years of dating. Normally single mothers would consider the idea of you sleeping over as a wrong example for the children. And she will not sleep at your’s either because she has children. You will need a bit of the proverbial patience of a monk. Intimacy is usually not rushed.

Many cancelled dates
You will also need to be very flexible because to a single mum, there is no such thing as a fixed plan. She will cancel a date at the 11th hour since the maid has called to say Junior has a bit of headache. So she will have to reschedule because, well, Junior will always come first.

My baby this, my baby that…
Are you bored by the idea of talking about kids on every date? Then perhaps you are not cut out to date single mothers because kids; her kids, is the hottest topic for a single mother. She will tell you all the little details about her baby, never mind that her son is 12 and not a baby by all standards. “My baby has a stomach ache... my baby….” And then she expects you to solicit caring opinions otherwise you do not care enough to be the man.