FDC sues CDF over witchcraft

FDC is suing the CDF. According to court documents, the FDC is accusing the CDF of plagiarism and witchcraft.

“That CDF and MK are jointly and together charged on March 31 at about 08:00hrs at Mbuya area, into Wakiso District within Kampala District in Central Buganda Region, where the two were found to have copied the name of the FDC by spelling it backwards. This lack of originality could be the reason that our economy is full of malls because when one person puts up a mall, everyone else follows suit. Yet these malls are empty,” reads the first made-up charge sheet.

It is not clear whether the FDC plans to sue the malls, too.

Anyway, we can appreciate that the FDC is CDF spelled backwards or CDF is FDC spelled forwards. So the army has some explaining to do. 

However, why has FDC waited for MK to become the army’s top gun in order to draw first blood? It is very simple, according to Ssemujju.

“N-yaaah Rem [read NRM] is a paramilitary outfit which belongs to the army and, by extension, Mzee. His son, who is his hair [read heir] must explain the sins of his father by paying FDC for stealing its name. It is Anna-cceptable [read unacceptable] that they steal the economy in broad daylight and now they are stealing names from the Opposition!” he charged.

The second charge sheet reads: “That CDF and MK, a suspected Muchwezi, are jointly and together charged on March 31 at about 08:00hrs at Mbuya Area, into Wakiso District within Kampala District in Central Buganda Region, where the two were found to have copied the name of the FDC by spelling it backwards. This is witchcraft.”

So how is spelling FDC backwards or CDF forwards witchcraft? 

Well, it comes down to anagrams. 

According to the dictionary, “an anagram is a word or phrase formed by rearranging the letters of a different word or phrase, typically using all the original letters exactly once.”

Anagrams, being a play on words, have often been used by musicians such as Madonna to pass on coded messages.  Ugandan musicians, on the other hand, not only have five fingers but are also way less subtle. 

That is why “sweet banana” is not a coded message. 

To understand anagram puzzles in the FDC versus CDF case then, we see that when you rearrange the words CDF you are casting a spell on FDC. This is achieved by the FDC being linked to the army and, by extension, Mzee’s dynasty.

So when one thinks of FDC, they magically think of the CDF. This is done at a subliminal level as the anagram rearranges itself in the subconscious to bring forth a connection between the FDC and the CDF. 

It all comes down to the power of suggestion: you present the stimuli (anagram) and wait for the reflexed reaction. The Katonga faction is also up in arms, demanding that this link be severed. 

The demand was made by the interim party president, summarising the Katonga faction’s disgust at the Najjanankumbi faction for always palling around with government and its battalions of Shillings. Still, this is not new. 

In 2019, a former FDC “pulezidenti” formed ANT after parting ways with FDC. He said there were moles in the FDC and the FDC said he was creating a mountain out of a molehill. 

Appalled, he looked himself in the mirror, winked and then saluted before declaring to his mirror image: “You can do this, Playa.” With these parting words, he announced that ANT would soon be a ten-ANT in state house and he hit the campaign trail.

On the recent suit by FDC against the CDF, he thinks it is in order for the FDC to take the CDF to court. 

“Hapana! Sitaki Muchezo! He should pay, you can’t be stealing names and titles and therefore initiatives like that,” he said. “When I was army commander, they said I stole my initials from AC, or Air Conditioner. That is why I never had any in my office. The windows were always left open and now I have a window of opportunity to become president.”

Of course, MK was displeased with the ANT man and reposted his earlier sentiments to contend with Muntu’s “attack”.

“Me and my father do not require your ‘insight’ into anything. Please keep it for yourself and your small collapsing political party,” MK riposted.

Eh!

ANT man, shocked and appalled, reportedly turned on his AC to cool off. 

NUP, meanwhile, has withheld its comments lest it is also taken to court by the English dictionary for monopolising the word PUN, which is NUP spelled backwards. 

Disclaimer: This is a parody column