Satire: Muhoozi to change his surname to Museveni

Muhoozi is a man fabled for making a two-minute speech in two hours!

However, this time he plans to take his Bacwezi-inspired powers further. Yes, you guessed it. He plans to change his surname. He decided this after his tour of Masaka.

According to impeccable sources, he wants to dump the surname because there are too many Ks in the region and he wants to be unique.

For good measure, there are two Ks in State House, one in Rwanda (Kagame) and plenty more in the phones of young people who reply “K” instead of “Okay” after you have written them the mother of all texts. 

It is too much, really. 

So Muhoozi has decided to change his surname to Museveni. 

Sure, you might say that there are already too many Musevenis in State House and you might have a point. 

However, his pressure group would instantly have to change to the MM Movement (triple M).

This has two benefits. One, it gives three Ms to the Movement and anyone will tell you, the best things come in threes. 

To be sure, God is a trio (the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit). So, by implication, Balaam’s daydream of turning Muhoozi into a deity would have been accomplished. 

Balaam, a doctor of the Jose Chameleone variation, will even organise an event around this newfound divinity by adding a fourth M when he screams Mukama!

Secondly, Muhoozi will also get to appeal to the youth if he changes his surname. 

That is because he will instantly, like Nido Milk, be known as M&M or Eminem.

All the kids love him, his real name is Marshall Mathers, known professionally as M&M or Eminem, and he is credited with popularising rap in Middle America and is often regarded as one of the greatest rappers of all time.

The prospect of Muhoozi and Eminem becoming a single person without getting married is truly mouth-watering. 

I mean, if Muhoozi becomes Eminem and Eminem becomes Muhoozi by Muhoozi becoming Eminem then Muhoozi’s status as Uganda’s top rapper will take him past Bobi Wine. 

Bobi Wine a rapper, you ask. 

Yeah, I am just taking my cue from Al Jazeera and other foreign media outlets which insist on calling the uncrowned Ghetto King a rapper. 

However, maybe it is not unfortunate since Muhoozi learnt from that pairing that by associating your name to another “celeb’s” you can take on that celeb’s profile. 

Look, it happened to the heavyweight boxer Tyson Fury and I am not, like Kakwenza, calling Muhoozi a heavyweight. So please, put your kibokos away. 

Thank you. 

Anyway, by using Mike Tyson’s name nominative determinism took hold. Normative determinism is “the hypothesis that a person’s name can have a significant role in determining key aspects of their job, profession or even character”.

Accordingly, Tyson Fury unified heavyweight titles just like Mike Tyson. 

Moreover, it also once happened to Mao. 

Remember when the late John Nagenda said that “MAO” was actually an acronym for Milton Apollo Obote? 

You don’t? Well, he did and all of a sudden people started seeing Mao as a future prime minister and the Baganda immediately hid their Lubiri.

Back to Muhoozi and how he can tap into the Real Slim Shady’s magic.  

To those who do not know, Slim Shady is Eminem’s alter ego. So, Muhoozi can also stand up like the Real Slim Shady and by standing up, he will be standing for president. 

What a plan, I say.  Muhoozi should change his surname as soon as he can.

The youth demand it and must I remind you that 77 percent of our population is less than 25 years of age? There are over 7.3m youth from the ages of 15–24 years of age living in Uganda.

Muhoozi needs to capture this group and not by asking us for Another Rap. He must become Eminem and dye his hair as blonde.

My only worry is that he might adopt Eminem’s more profane lyrics and thereby shore up our acrimonious politics.  We pray Gen Eminem does not do this and instead cleaves to the purpose he changed his name: to win over the youth.

Tripple M: Sure, you might say that there are already too many Musevenis in State House and you might have a point. 

However, his pressure group would instantly have to change to the MM Movement (triple M).

This has two benefits. One, it gives three Ms to the Movement and anyone will tell you, the best things come in threes.