What you need to know:
Hosting Olympics: Seems the Olympics people are trying to play games with NRM. They don’t want us to host the Olympics. These people hate it when an African country makes progress. Now, don’t tell me they have also awarded the 2033 one… oh, it’s 2036? We can take that and it will be wondrous!”
Uganda will be in position to host the next Olympic Games after saving the billions of shillings it loses in corruption because the endemic vice will be no more in six months.
Newly-appointed IGG said six months is all she needs to eradicate corruption in all the spheres of life in Uganda.
“Six months… just six months,” she said as she counted her fingers with punctuated seriousness. “That’s all I need to end corruption in totality.”
The new IGG had earlier dined at a top hotel near Centenary Park and retired for a siesta where events started happening in real time.
Among the events, she addressed a media briefing and actually started it by inadvertently causing mirth among the journalists present when she drew on the metaphor of raising eyebrows to castigate a section of Ugandans who have ridiculed her appointment.
“I saw this one called Mukungu posting on Facebook that my appointment was raising eyebrows and many of you were ‘liking’ that nonsense,” she said, drawing mirth from the media centre hall.
“I have run for the highest office on this land before and I am well-qualified to lead any office. Why should anyone raise eyebrows over my appointment to end corruption unless it is the corrupt scampering in fear?”
Believing that the journalists were laughing because her message had hit home, she went on with her crusade, saying there was a lot of funds the government could save from eradicating corruption.
“End corruption today and tomorrow our MPs and ministers will be given helicopters instead of the measly Shs200m that embarrasses their status,” she said. “And we shall still save enough to construct Olympic facilities and host the next games in 2024.”
Someone corrected her saying the 2024 Games will be in Paris, France.
“Oh really? Then we can target the 2026 Olympics,” she said.
“It’s 2028 and that, too, is gone. It will be in Los Angeles, California in the US,” another corrected.
“That gives us more time to host the 2030 Games instead because the NRM government and President Museveni will deliver,” she said.
“Brisbane, Australia, was last week awarded the rights to host the 2032 Games…”
“Seems the Olympics people are trying to play games with NRM. They don’t want us to host the Olympics. These people hate it when an African country makes progress. Now, don’t tell me they have also awarded the 2033 one… oh, it’s 2036? We can take that and it will be wondrous!”
The IGG-designate said her work will not only involve crushing corruption but also tackling false accusations targeted at government officials. She cited allegations against the Health ministry permanent secretary.
“Don’t you people know that she was appointed by the President? You think that’s a small matter?” she said.
“You find a Ugandan whose entire ancestry has never been appointed by the President is making the loudest noise, dropping coffins in protest… If you say the PS is corrupt, you are undermining the President who appointed her. As IGG, I’ll investigate to find out that she is not corrupt and close the matter.”
The IGG then reached for a bottle of mineral water on the rostrum to wet her throat but as she reached the bottle in her mouth, she made an effort not to smudge her thick lipstick. The bottle knocked at her nose instead. But there was no water.
She checked to confirm that it was a bottle. No. It was a comb. She shot up fast and checked herself. Surely, she was alone in the hotel room.
And then I woke up from my dream!
Disclaimer: This is a parody column