There was drama at UFA ‘lower-quarters’ in Namanve when Fool Figure stormed our premises demanding explanations on how she had missed out on the 2020 Fool of the Year Awards.
“I must speak to your CEO,” barked Fool Figure at the three men she found in the office.
Messrs Odongo, Jacobs and Seaman had just finished the morning meeting on how Covid-19 might impact on UFA members’ freedom to pass wind when Fool Figure ignored the imaginary askari at the gate to force her figure in.
“And who might you be?” Odongo said calmly.
“Fool Figure. You cheated me in your award,” she said. “How could you do this to me? I’m the only one among the nominees whose name alone aptly depicted the award. How could you?”
The 2020 award was won by Mo Mutumba, who nearly scooped all the three votes by the imminent UFA directors Odongo, Jacobs and Seaman. The votes from the trio accounted for 60 per cent, the public vote via social media accounting for rest.
“Who is Mutumba and what did he do to deserve the award ahead of me?” the figure demanded.
“Well, remember the Kayunga imam who was charged with ‘having carnal knowledge against the order of nature’ after he married a ‘wife’ without realising ‘she’ was a man?” Seaman asked.
“Ayayaya! That imam is the winner? Why didn’t you say so earlier?” the figure said. “Let me work hard to scoop the 2021 gong instead.”
Fool Figure pipped outgoing city MP Nabilah to second place despite repeated voting by Odongo, Jacobs and Seaman to try and overturn the result and keep the FDC flip-flopping politician in a respectable second.
Nabilah showed up at FDC headquarters a day after the deadline for returning nomination forms. She blamed Covid-19 for her loss.
But her feat was still good enough to trounce Ashburg Katto, whose heroics of abandoning People Power for a chance to take photos with Museveni’s cows left many in stitches.
Branded ‘A**-bag Cattle’ by his haters, the lad bragged about being promised a cow. He lost in the preliminary round of the vote after Nambooze, a politician who turned up in a radio studio in a wheelchair only to be seen walking well outside, scooped six votes more.
“Balaam did not promote me as much as I had expected,” Cattle said ruefully. “The orange-shirted man concentrated on elections. Next time better.”
Making it to the first round were Ssenyonyi, Basajja Mivule and Byekwaso. Unfortunately for Ssenyonyi, his antic of tweeting a random picture of a patient on a spring bed with no mattress was not enough to impress the voters.
Byekwaso, a late entrant, was the surprise of the coveted awards. It was initially suspected that NUP hoodlums had hacked into the system to rain votes on her but investigation revealed that the deployment of a platoon of heavily armed military on a news briefing was the reason.
“If only I had knelt down to Kasuku while pleading with those journos not to walk out on us…” she trailed off, shaking her head. “Anyway, the imam was unbeatable this year, I would have maybe come second, at best.”
The other semifinalist was Ivan Ssebadduka, a presidential hopeful who was sentenced to three years in jail for contempt of court.
Ssebadduka filed a suit against President Museveni’s election and used the chance to tell the judges how they were foolish, daft, dolt, dummies, dim-witted, dunderheaded and dumbkopft. Okay, don’t look up dumbkopft for now.
“You’re foolish like those judges to think that I didn’t deserve this award,” he barked. “I swear I’ll sue you as soon as I come out of jail.”
That will be three years from now. By then, Imam Mutumba would have married a real wife or wives and forgotten how he ran away with the 2020 award after his ‘wife’ Richard Tumushabe also voted for him via Facebook.
In March, Mutumba thrust Uganda to global attention when his newly-wed ‘wife’ Swabullah Nabukeera turned out to be a bearded Tumushabe.
Tumushabe was rumbled when he was arrested for alleged theft of a television set and clothes. During a body search by a woman cop, it was discovered that Nabukeera had a big pin charger.