Satire: Africa’s music critics explain why Kenzo is greater than Lutaaya

What you need to know:

  • "Is it Kenzo’s problem that YouTube was founded in 2005, many years after Philly was no more?"

A school of seasoned music critics from across the continent have picked Philly Bongoley Lutaaya 37-12 over Eddy Kenzo as Uganda’s greatest musician alive.

The music critics, one from each African nation, were on Friday meeting in the Kenyan capital of Nairobi to talk their throats course and hoarse on what has dominated the social media milieu over the past week.

At the end of their deliberations, which was conducted over a constant flow of Jug Daniel’s, a special brew from the land of Gikuyu na Mumbi that Mama Nyeri kept calling ‘busaa’, the esteemed school voted 37-12 against the Grammy-intoxicated Kenzo. 
Five abstained.

“We must not stop emphasising that this vote is for the living,” Rondot Mbasongo, from DR Congo, reminded the music reviewers.

South Africa’s Nkosi Khumalo agreed but caused laughter when he suddenly asked why Kenzo kept insisting that there were 132 votes yet each African nation had only sent one reviewer.

“That’s because during the entire dust he kicked up, he kept reminding Ugandans that he has performed in more than 500 countries of the world,” said Dannie Ba, a Ugandan.

“You mean he doesn’t know that there are less than 200 countries in the world?” asked Jon Ekitike from Cameroon.

Kevin Kamau, the host, asked the rest to focus and not turn an esteemed meeting called to review a matter of utmost importance into a joke.

“Is it Kenzo’s problem that YouTube was founded in 2005, many years after Philly was no more?” he asked. “That’s why Philly should have founded YouTube back then to have many views of his own music, instead he brought the NRA.”

Angola’s Elvis dos Santos Semisis said he at first was sold on Lutaaya’s greatness but after he read in the papers that the singer was the reason Nakivubo was demolished to create space for shopping malls, he decided to join the Kenzo bandwagon.

Beninese Levin Eghe Efosa was not impressed by Dos Santos’ claims. She demanded to know if her colleague had travelled all the way from Angola to peddle rumours.
“Ho! Eghe, Kenzo’s fans even gave me photo evidence. Philly is responsible for Nakivubo going down,” the Angolan fired back.
“True that,” said Letisa Bekele. 

The Ethiopian said he had irrefutable evidence that Lutaaya had been seen at police playground at Spear-Nakawa days before it became a car bond.
“That man was just a car dealer,” Bekele said.
“True that,” said Mohamed Aboutrika from Egypt. “Lutaaya was sighted in Lugogo the day Chameleone’s ‘Gwanga Mujje’ concert stage came down. That’s why it has not rained since.”

At this point, Dannie Ba protested. He reminded the school that Lutaaya has long been dead and could therefore not have engaged in a car dealership on a playground.
“That’s exactly the point,” said Miriam Ndlovu from Zimbabwe. “He’s been dead, do you expect him to be singing now when we do not hold concerts at cemeteries? That’s why Kenzo is great.”

Running impatient, Senegal’s Rosa Deng Niang said instead of talking too much, the school had to proceed and vote so she could take time touring Masai Mara.

“A man who has been performing in 500 countries around the world and has been expecting 132 votes from the 54 of us, what more do you need to confirm his greatness,” Niang said.

Suddenly, Rwanda’s Hirwa Munyaneza, who had been deathly silent, stood up. He was red as he wagged a long finger in Mbasongo’s face.

“Don’t even get me started on that,” he said. “I’ll abstain.”

As the voting started, the sound system blared ‘Born in Africa’. Everyone rose to toss in reggae style.
“Great song, is that Kenzo’s Grammy-nominated hit?” asked Philis Adebayor from Togo.

“No, Kenzo did better songs than that. There are many but my favourite is Tulo Tulo, Ngenda Kampala and Nkooye Okwegomba,” Amri el Gabel, from Algeria, said.

Kamu reminded the critics that the vote was for the greatest musician alive.
“I repeat, alive,” he said.

They voted Lutaaya. And that was when I woke up.